Verbal Diarrhea Diaries (a.k.a. the shit that comes out of my mouth):
Lyn: Well, I already knew you’re beautiful inside and out, but this makes you positively angelic. Now stop sticking out your tongue and continue to straighten out your halo.
Me: Straighten out my halo? Are you kidding? That thing needs a forge, an anvil and one hell of a beat down to get in any kind of usable shape.
What’s in a name? Shakespeare asks.
Clearly he was never subjected to the abject cruelty of schoolyard children to the poor child whose mama got a little thoughtless in the naming department. I’m also guessing one simply did not use a diminutive in those days. At least not one associated with male anatomy, right William?
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Another go at Flash Fiction, also called sudden fiction, micro fiction or nanofiction via Friday 55.
Write a story in exactly 55 words, then tell the G-Man!
Verbal Diarrhea Diaries (a.k.a. the shit that comes out of my mouth):
So, while holding a bag that clearly contains my lunch in hand, I am about to enter the revolving door of my office building when I spy a colleague exiting. I stand to the side and wait for him to exit.
Seeing my bag he inquires of it contents. I tell him it’s “poison”. I have no idea why, but I can tell by his expression that he doubts the veracity of my statement.
“What? You were warned years ago to never trust a big butt.” I say as I make it a point to smile broadly.
He’s stumped for all of .1 seconds before he starts grinning.
“I can’t play with you.” He throws up his hands and walks away, shaking his head while laughing.
Was it something I said?
– blame Bell Biv DeVoe!
Verbal Diarrhea Diaries – aka the shit that come out of my mouth:
A friend has had stomach problems for nearly a week. Well, nearly a week in which he has admitted it. Knowing him, it was going on for much longer. And why doesn’t he go to the doctor, you (and I) ask?
Quote– I know… I need to see the Dr.. but I am afraid — unquote
Of course me, being the caring, compassionate, being that I am (*cough/wheeze/choke/hack* – dang I can’t even say that in a blog with a straight face- responds as follows:
“Go right ahead and keep on procrastinating seeing the doctor. I declare if I have to come visit you in a hospital because you let something minor turn into something major, all because you were afraid, I am going to redefine the word harangue so badly as to make a filibuster seem a like mere quip!”
Want to take three guesses on who made an appointment -in my presence- to see the doctor on Friday?
.
.
You knew she was trouble when she walked in
Got quiet like a whisperer had spoke
With legs up to there, this doll was no joke
A quick glance from under my fedora
Face of an angel, but a body of sin
She was the box and I was Pandora
A tempest of whispers spread through the club
The slit of her dress was up to oh yeah
And not a thing underneath but pure air
That outfit was custom made to adorn
And where the babe walked were the whisper’s hub
Fitting her curves like nothing ever worn
Dress held together by a simple gold link
Even Frail Freddy rushed to take her hand
Just a marionette at her command
As he guided her to a stool on stage
Not a man in there had senses to think
As she crossed her leg with a perfect gauge
It felt like she looked each man in his eyes
Her liquid voice melting over their soul
Her descant was love gone out of control
Her notes downright gritty or raw and lonely
Yes, each man begged for her songs reprise
But she had her sites locked on one only
Deer to headlights I was trapped in her gaze
She pointed at me and crooked her finger
A beauty like that you don’t let linger
I stood giving my trench a little tuck
As she disappeared in the smoky haze
Half-hearted wishes grumbled lucky-schmuck
We rode each other ‘til we were cryin’
She never quite spoke, her words in sing- song
And she was saying things I knew were wrong
Like her husband she wanted me to kill
I realized she was a modern siren
But she knew she had control of my will
Her husband, I was to shoot in the head
When we met up later on in the park
After midnight when it’s quiet and dark
She had sung, I should have done as was told
She’s surprised when I shoot her down instead
I hardly heard her song, I had a head cold
I watch the glow of my cigarette tip
As her husband leans over and just smiles
I hadn’t seen him do that in a long while
He don’t smile much as leader of the mob
Yes, the start of a beautiful friendship
Paying me for the first of many jobs
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Have NO idea where my muse pulled this craziness from. I’m just rolling with it.
Just this morning I quoted “all the world’s a stage” to a friend. A discussion ensued which wound up with us using Google to prove I was right in that the line was from “As You Like It” and not from “Love’s Labour Lost”. That in turn became a discussion of just how Shakespeare’s words have infiltrated our lives.
Few of us get through the education system without gleaning some basic knowledge of the man, well at least a couple of his works. Even if one cannot quote any other line from say, Hamlet; even if one does not know the name of the tragedy itself, one is still familiar with “…to be or not to be…” I still remember the magical moment in fourth grade upon realizing wherefore actually meant why and how that one little thing completely changed the context of “…wherefore art thou Romeo?”. It taught me to always look deeper than the words on the page, because as Led Zeppelin perfectly states ’cause you know sometimes words have two meanings. Still, thanks to my southern upbringing, I knew what being “a sorry sight” meant long before I ever heard the name William Shakespeare and was destined to enjoy more of his magical verbiage.
Think about it. Most of his words which we quote without thought, were written for plays – for mere entertainment. Think about how so much of it has transcended from Elizabethan times to now, without one iota of loss in their overall meanings. Talk about staying power! Many of us remember little of what we’re taught regarding the actual history of those times. Well, little of history in general, to be honest. Yet all of us quote him more than we can ever imagine, even if we do not realize the words are his.
I’ll quote someone else for a moment and paraphrase Edward Bulwer-Lytton: the might of the pen, indeed!
In the midst of the above mentioned Google search I also discovered today, April 23rd, is William Shakespeare’s birthday.
Willie Shakes, as I quite tongue-in-cheekily like to refer to the Bard, would be 449 years old. In honor of the man who likely has had the biggest influence on many of the colloquialisms that continue to spice our language I post the following:
* click to see full size *
Happy 449th Birthday William Shakespeare!!
“To me, fair friend, you never can be old”
— Shakespeare Sonnet 104
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Slice of Life Weekly Writing Challenge – April 23, 2013
(aka the shit that comes out of my mouth).
On being addressed as a female progenitor by people, other than the two I actually gave birth to, one time too many:
Him: Hey Mami
Me (annoyed): I am not your mother!
Him (surprised): But it’s just a term of endearment.
Me (eyes rolling): You just laid eyes on me for the first time in your life. I have yet to become an endearment for you to have a term to. It’s rude and an insult to all the women who are mothers, who have put in the work and earned the title.
Him (fishing): Maybe it just means on first sight I think you’ve got what it takes to love and take care of me.
Me (incredulously): Really?
Him (thinking he gained a point): Yeah.
Me (evil smile): So on first sight you think I’ve got what it takes…?
Him (cocky): Yeah. To cook, clean and all that good stuff, like a mother would.
Me (trying not to be mean, but failing): And occasionally whip your ass?
Him (back peddling): No, that’s not what I meant, I…
Me (totally nonplussed at his ignorance by now): And is there’s some Oedipal history I should be aware of?
Him (clueless): What kind of history…?
Me (in full on evil mode): newsflash boy, because most men know better, when it comes to the majority of females you meet on the street addressing us by the title of the first woman whose vagina you came sliding out of, is not considered a compliment to the woman whose vagina you’re trying to slide into. Good-bye.
Want to guess what term of endearment was heard as I walked away? Hint: It rhymes with mucking witch.
Me (not even bothering to turn around): Thank you!
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Slice of Life Weekly Writing Challenge – April 16, 2013
I tend to be very flippant verbally. I know, go figure! Still, every now and then, something flies out of my mouth where even I have to stop and admire the genius/stupidity/brazenness of the moment. I already share these on Facebook under the heading of Verbal Diarrhea Diaries (aka the shit that comes out of my mouth). I’ve decided I’ll also post some of them here to share the spontaneous insanity that is my mind with you.
So, I have a running joketationship with the cutie that works behind the counter at one of my favorite coffee shops by my job. Last week he made the mistake of saying that no one makes him blush as I do. I took that as a challenge.
Me (upon seeing him at the register): Hi Z!
Him: Hi Raivenne!
Me: Hello my love, my dove, mon Cherie amour, my little cheese danish…
The two ladies who also work with him, and are quite used to my silliness, start laughing as he grins, knowing it’s only going to get worse while he takes my order.
Him (preparing to pass my purchase to me): Is there anything else you’d like ?
Me (salaciously): You – à la Mode?
Him (laughing and shakes his head): I don’t know about the ice cream, I’m kind of a hairy guy…
Me (not missing a beat): Ooh, traction!
Him (mouth momentarily agape, full on red face, before laughing and raising his hand in high-five to me): Wow, you win.
Me (matter of fact): Of course I do.
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A mere soldier in an arsenal of many
Some richer, thus seemingly more refined
Some not worthy of holding their title
But none better than I
You walk among the ranks
Visually surveying at first,
I feel your eyes sweep over me
Your gaze – Piercing – Questioning
Before they look away
Then return
And choose me
I know others have sneered
At the numbers gone through in your quest
The many soldiers who served
and then failed, for they were not worthy
But I am worthy
So I, I say nothing…
How can I?
I who now have the duty of protecting you
I throw myself in harm’s way daily
Head-to-toe, back-to-front
Your first layer of armor in a harsh world
Knowing I’ve done my job well
Every time someone compliments
Your soft, supple skin…
For that honor, I thank you.
Your ultimate body guard,
Lotion
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Feeling a little had, but grinning nonetheless aren’t you? 😉
Blizzard came from nowhere – darned blizzard
But am I a fan of snow? Of course not! But
Not that anyone asked me – of course not!
Happy? Of course, my children were happy
Snow day – no school – too much snow
Shot my plans for the day – totally shot
To finish the Harbor Memorial Feast, to
Do all the things I needed to do
Stuck at home just as I was stuck
Too late for to call a babysitter too
Take them all was more than I could take
Suck! Did all this simply suck!
Past noon, cabin fever claimed by noon’s past
Comfort of home is no longer a comfort
Fried ketchup? No, ketchup can’t be fried!
Nuts are in the DVD?!! ARE YOU NUTS?!?!
Kids – my darling, usually, well- behaved kids
Tried my patience, like it has never been tried
Parcel left at the curb, not even my parcel
Cussing inside instead of verbally cussing
Tongue hurt ‘cause I bit my tongue
Shoveled whatever needed to be shoveled
Salt got in my eyes – hydrochloride rock salt
Stung like the devil, how it stung!
Entertain? Tonight he wants to entertain?
Insane! My husband is freaking insane!
Oh migraine! I’m getting a migraine – oh!
Rang in the evening, my doorbell rang
Worsening a mood, way past worsening
Things I can’t be bothered by, nonsense things
Carolers, candle-holding carolers
Singers they wanted more singers
Sing they wanted me to sing
Spying eyes behind the curtains spying
Great – my husband actually said great!
Go ahead honey. You know you want to go!
Hymns, well I could sing the opus hymns
Joy – yes, it would bring back my lost joy
Go yes go! Hey lets all go!
Out we went and sang our voices out
Bells we rang singing Silver Bells
Praise flow from voices, joyous praise
Songs, how we sang those songs!
Grew friendships as carolers grew
Raised spirits with opus raised
So the stars – how they twinkle so!
Smiling with my kids just smiling
Right perfect, weather just right
Drifts of snow in piling drifts
Pains of day, now forgotten pains
Night divine O Holy Night
Heat, we savor the cocoa’s heat
Sweet comforts of my home sweet
Complete peace to a day complete
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Giving the Serpentine Verse a holiday whirl!
dVerse ~ Poets Pub | OpenLinkNight – Week 76 – Holiday Edition
Raivenne-lations 