Verbal Diarrhea Diaries
(aka the shit that comes out of my mouth).
On being addressed as a female progenitor by people, other than the two I actually gave birth to, one time too many:
Him: Hey Mami
Me (annoyed): I am not your mother!
Him (surprised): But it’s just a term of endearment.
Me (eyes rolling): You just laid eyes on me for the first time in your life. I have yet to become an endearment for you to have a term to. It’s rude and an insult to all the women who are mothers, who have put in the work and earned the title.
Him (fishing): Maybe it just means on first sight I think you’ve got what it takes to love and take care of me.
Me (incredulously): Really?
Him (thinking he gained a point): Yeah.
Me (evil smile): So on first sight you think I’ve got what it takes…?
Him (cocky): Yeah. To cook, clean and all that good stuff, like a mother would.
Me (trying not to be mean, but failing): And occasionally whip your ass?
Him (back peddling): No, that’s not what I meant, I…
Me (totally nonplussed at his ignorance by now): And is there’s some Oedipal history I should be aware of?
Him (clueless): What kind of history…?
Me (in full on evil mode): newsflash boy, because most men know better, when it comes to the majority of females you meet on the street addressing us by the title of the first woman whose vagina you came sliding out of, is not considered a compliment to the woman whose vagina you’re trying to slide into. Good-bye.
Want to guess what term of endearment was heard as I walked away? Hint: It rhymes with mucking witch.
Me (not even bothering to turn around): Thank you!
Slice of Life Weekly Writing Challenge – April 16, 2013