Tag Archives: humor

Glad I Didn’t Wait…

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  1. I love jalapenos and had them in my salad for dinner. Uncouth and greedy idiot I am, did not use utensils, but fingers to consume said jalapenos.

  2. On way to the loo to wash my grubby jalapeno scented talons, I run into a friend I have not seen in a while who was leaving the restaurant. My mind said wash your hands it can wait. But my mouth had already called out to her. No choice now but to have the chat I garnered her attention for in the first place.

  3. Typical of me, hands forgotten, the chat devolves into silly conversation that soon has me wiping tears of laughter from my eyes. People – please review 1 and 2 above. It was a bit not good as I am quickly shown the error of my ways. Eyes now beginning to sting I hear a familiar motor sound approaching me.

  4. Another patron in a motorized chair is coming down the hall. When I politely step out the way as she passes -I don’t always apply them, but Grandmama taught me manners(!)-, I hear another very familiar sound, that is soon followed by cold wetness through my blouse.

  5. I turn in surprise realizing I backed into the automated hand sanitizer dispenser, that did its job and dispensed itself – on my back. The friend I was conversing with saw the stain and lost it, making a reference to a scene in the James Spader/Maggie Gyllenhaal movie “Secretary”. It was a reference I got, which sent me completely over the giggle edge. [Either you know the scene or you do not, I am NOT explaining it. Just know that it is sexual in nature and let your very dirty mind -if you have one- extrapolate from there.] I make it to the ladies room at last and she goes on her way.

  6. Now imagine walking into the ladies room to find a female at the sink, make-up ruined, seemingly trying not to cry while tears stream down her face, holding copious amounts of paper towels trying to blot dry a blouse spotted with suspicious looking stains down her back, without taking it off. Only when I saw the horror stricken look on her face as she slowly approached me in genuine concern and gently asked asked if I wanted to call someone did I get the enormity of how it looked from an unknowing eye.

    And me, being me, continue to be a child at a most inappropriate time, told her “Mr. E. Edward Grey!” referencing James Spader’s character in the above mentioned “Secretary.”

  7. Still giggling like the twelve-year-old I am mentally, I finally finished washing my hands and face as I assured her the only assault was from the automated hand sanitizer dispenser whose motion sensor I had accidentally set off. Much to the woman’s relief, and momentary blush, I also explained about the movie and that I refer to the Spader character as the original Mr. Grey, where I believe the author of the 50 Shades series of books/movies may have taken the surname inspiration.

  8. I had to wear my blazer with paper towels between my blouse and my back until the wet spots dried. But so worth the unexpected laughter. Yes, speaking to the my friend, instead of immediately washing my hands, could have waited, but I’m glad I didn’t.


    I also now have a mental bet with myself that the woman from the ladies room will be watching a certain movie before the week is out. It’s a Schrodinger’s bet, but I’ll wager it’s in my favor.

    And since I’m still in a puerile mood, I feel obligated to remind you dear readers May is National Masturbation Month – handle that information however you will.

Let’s see how others are slicing it out this first Tuesday in the merry, merry month of May…

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Tea with Florence the Monarch

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They sounded kind and full of loves
In the pleasant weather
Goblin Market – Christina Rosetti

Why swaddled in the rolling fog
his ragged chemise color of bog
The goblin worm had filled me with fright
Dare I show upon first light,
Somehow, I knew it wasn’t right
So ear against the wall I shove
To hear the trumpet of new voices
In offer of different choices
Not the nightmares feared of
They sounded kind and full of loves

Thus, I the ignored the fiend’s masquerade
Not a moment more to be waylaid
I am a monarch, I was ready
And chrysalis pieces flow and eddy
On the breeze like confetti
Among the violet hued heather
As I emerge from my hidey-hole
In ochre gown mirrored in trim of coal
With only the sky as tether
In the pleasant weather

Not the monarch you had in mind, I know

dVerse ~ Poets Pub | Poetics – Colour me poetry

dVerse Poets Pub graphic
dVerse ~ Poets Pub


Tonight at the pub, Sarah tends bar for this session of Poetics.

Inspired by the intriguing names of paint samples, we are prompted to choose one of the below paint names and use it as the inspiration for a poem:

Trumpet, Tea with Florence, Chemise, Confetti, Goblin, Mirror, Rolling fog, First light, Hidey hole, Masquerade

We are further challenged to incorporate as many of the words as we can and to have fun.

Oh, that was said to the wrong person. It is my natural wont when see a list of options with a prompt to select one to try to use them all. And because I am that gal, I do so in one of my favorite poetry forms, a glosa. Using two lines of Goblin Market by Christina Rosetti to tell this 1st person tale of a butterfly’s beginnings.

Not Just One

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Before me
Its emptiness
Is indeed a shock
Remnants of its past fullness
Cling in memory to mock

The fault Lays with me
I cannot quibble
Once full bag of crisps now done
Thought I’d have a nibble
Lost the bet on that one

“Lays Chips: betcha can’t eat just one“

dVerse ~ Poets Pub | Quadrille #145: Nibble

dVerse Poets Pub graphic
dVerse ~ Poets Pub

Tonight at the pub, Mish tends bar and gives us a a little something to nibble in a quadrille prompt.

I plead the fifth on whether the above poem is based on real or recent events.

A quadrille, is simply a poem of 44 words, excluding the title. It can be in any form, rhymed or unrhymed, metered, or unmetered. You MUST use the word “nibble” or some form of the word in your poem.

Of Wolves and Men

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The more I think about it the more pissed off I am at Jonaegon Starkaryen.

That single head nod and keep on walking bullshush was just wrong.

Single Head Nod:

That’s what you do when a colleague you don’t particularly care about one way or another and you pass each other in the office corridors. That’s what you do when you and a complete stranger first see each other because you both wound up the same party in the same oh, it’s one of a kind outfit. You silently respect their exquisite taste, because you know you look better anyway, but you’re still kinda pissed. That’s what Grandma does just before she reach for that belt/chancla/switch YAPMTBAU!MV – your abuela’s preferred method to tear that bangela asset up(!) may vary.

I mean JSAT didn’t give a one-armed “Yo, my dawg, go keep chill with Giant Milk T and them wild bois for a bit a’ight?” hug, not even a little scritch-scratch behind the ear? It’s like JSAT didn’t give a fist pump – er – bump. I know he’s from The North, but that’s cold. That’s not how you treat your I Ride My Steed as You Run Along Beside Me or Die Fur-bro, Bro.

I mean what’s an imaginary tv direwolf that’s a one-third of the size of the book direwolf gotta do to gets some R-E-S-P-E-C-T up in this joint?

I kind of hope that when He Who Knows He Should Have Kept His Trap Shut From The Fam Just A Little While Longer finally comes back, Ghost pulls a Nymeria on him the way she did Baby Gurl Shank doo doo doo doo doo doo .  So Ghost pads up to We Are Family But I Gotta Say Nay Auntie Nay-Nay-Nay and be all like “What up my man? You and me – we always gonna be chill, ya know. I mean ’cause you peeped me way back when when your fam and mine was about leave my cute fluff butt behind and I could’ve DIED and shush out for real though, but I get to live my best life up here now. The North Wolf Remembers too. Still, I ain’t be ’bout that South of the Two-thirds Wall life no more. So… um… yeah – Deuces!”. Ghost then pulls down his Horatio Caine Shades of JusticeTM  (the YEEEAAAH! ’09 Summer Collection was fiyah IJS), while Dionne Warwick’s ‘Walk On Bye Felicia’ (the original title), mysteriously plays out of nowhere in the background as he Crip walks away as he sips a cold brew (Starbucks or Stella Atois – you choose). But I haven’t put that much thought into it yet.

I mean I know CGI is expensive, but our boy was done dirty ya’ll! 💔

 

Verbal Diarrhea Diaries: Nothing To Fear

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I see a guy I know speaking with a mutual friend. Everyone knows we have a ridiculous, but fun flirtationship. I walk up to him as the friend, who did not see me – because she surely would have stayed, is walking away and stop inches in front of him, my face deadpan. He shakes his head and waits.  I say nothing, sip coffee and wait.

Guy (knowingly): Can I do something for you?

Me (still deadpan – sips coffee): No. You’re still standing.

Guy (shakes head): If I thought you were serious I’d run.

Me (arching brow): Were I serious you wouldn’t be standing.

Guy (grinning): What would I be doing?

Me (smirking): Calling your Lord’s name.

Guy (curiously): In fear, pain or pleasure?

Me (nonchalantly): If you’re calling His name?-In the fear of pain. If you’re calling Mine?-in the pleasure of fear.

Guy (blinks rapidly): uh…

** I grin, take another sip and start to walk away **

Guy (shakes his head reverently): I’ll be damned.

Me (sashaying away): You’ve met me; you already are.

Discretion Is… 

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Spoiled is walking into my local Starbucks and not having my name called out when my order is ready. I nod returning the baristas’ smiles in greeting as they acknowledge my presence upon entering. Once D and M, with my coffee and breakfast sandwich respectively, see my name on the label they each walk over to their side of the counter closest to where I stand and hand my order directly to me. I hoist my purchase in thanks to each as they laugh at my serious head-banging to the music my iPod. The final notes of The Smashing Pumpkins’ “Bullet with Butterfly Wings” is clearly not the mellow tune regaling the customers over the store’s speakers at that moment.  Still, I overhear this cheeky college girl near me talking with a friend, “Check out She Who Shall Not Be Named.”

I slowly turn my head and smile, letting her know I heard. I think I smile charmingly,

Tom Hiddleston, normal smile

Tom Hiddleston, normal smile

but considering I have not had time to indulge in my coffee yet, it is very likely it came off as menacingly, for she blinks rapidly and takes an unconscious step back. I hear D behind me start to speak up “Girl, shut up.”

“Rai, don’t. Trust me, she’s not worthy of your wrath.” M chimes in at the same time. I turn to her fully, this time knowing my smile is all sorts of wrong.

Tom Hiddleston, evil grin

Tom Hiddleston, evil grin

With the opening whispers of Drowning Pool’s “Bodies” now in my ears, I choose to heed the discretion is route of M’s advice and leave.

Note: from my entrance to my exit, I had not uttered a single word.

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#SOL2017

#SOL2017

Let’s see how others are getting through this Hump Day:

10th Annual Slice of Life Story Challenge! – DAY 29 Almost over!

Rainy Days and Tuesdays 

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This is the view out of the window of my bus on the way home this evening. It is pretty much the same view as on my way to work this morning.  Unsurprisingly, I’ve had nothing but rain related tunes going through the iPod of my mind. So please indulge or forgive as today’s slice is a rainy day playlist of some of the songs that flitted my through this wasteland called my cranium in true cornball Raivenne fashion:

I Wish It Would Rain, Rain Is A Good Thing.

Ugh, No Rain.

Oh, I Love a Rainy Night, Can You Stand The Rain?

No, I Can’t Stand The Rain, unless It’s Raining Men.

You got jokes laughing in the Purple Rain.

It’s either Laughter In The Rain or Set Fire to the Rain. Maybe, if it’s A Rainy Night In Georgia in front of a fireplace it’s okay.

Well, there is something about Fire and Rain, especially in San Diego.

You lie, It Never Rains In Southern California.

Don’t Rain On My Parade!

Shush, you’re Only Happy When It Rains.

And, Here Comes The Rain Again.

I know, Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head.

Here, come stand under my Umbrella.

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I SAID cornball didn’t I?

Rainy Days and Mondays, or Tuesdays for that matter don’t always get me down, but they still kinda suck.

#SOL2017

#SOL2017

Let’s see how others are getting through the rest of this semi-torrential Tuesday:

10th Annual Slice of Life Story Challenge! – DAY 28

Keepers

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Most Facebook like me know about its On This Day feature. On This Day displays anything you’ve posted  post on your own page from previous years.  As an avid, I almost typed rabid – pretty close, Facebook user of eight years it is now rare to come across any given day that does not have at least four entries.

For the most part it’s a lovely trip down memory lane. All the jokes, the quips and memes, blog posts that I’ve chosen to share bringing memories. The only  major downside is a bittersweet revisit when I come across where I’ve posted on someone who has left this realm – a loved one, a friend or a favored celebrity. One can choose to delete the any upsetting posts to avoid such in the future revisits, but I do not delete mine. I feel if I deemed it important enough to post in the first place, then I should live with it. After all I’ve have learned the hard way everything heals with time. And speaking of avored celebrity  RIP Chuck Berry – who left us yesterday after 90 years and is now playing with his Ding-a-Ling for all eternity.

The other occasional downside is when I share something from another website —

photo of Facebook post Christopher Walken dancing

I click looking forward to revisiting the fun of it only to see–

screen capture of unavaiable video apology on youtube

— it gone. It’s not my content so I have no control over it when this happens. For the most part when someone else decides to delete the content or the site altogether – it’s gone. I have had posts where my only descriptor was “HAH!” and I’ll never know what was so funny on that date – now those I will delete as it serves no purpose to connect to a dead link. However, this is YouTube where there is almost always duplicates of everything – especially things that amuse and delight. In this case it is a compilation of scenes from movies in which Christopher Walken is dancing. It underlies with C+C Music Factory’s “Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)” and I adore it. So I knew, KNEW there was no way there were not other posts of this out there, so – to the Google! My trust in this clip amusing others, as it does me, was valid. At least this is one dead post I can edit and keep the fun going.

And now for your and especially my own entertainment:

Christopher Walken Dance Now

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#SOL2017

#SOL2017

Let’s see how others are getting through their Sunday:

10th Annual Slice of Life Story Challenge! – DAY 19

Erin Go Knock Knock

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What’s black, green, orange and purple and impatient?

That would be me.

It’s Saint Patrick’s Day, I’m wearing my traditional kelly green, over orange tee shirt. Normally, I would wear this with a white suit to represent the colors green/white/orange of the flag of Ireland. However, though spring is mere days away by the calendar, the weather remains absolutely winter sucky. The streets are still slushy from Stella. The wearing of any kind of white was not happening, so I’m wearing black instead. And of course, for those who don’t already know, my hair is purple.  Yes, I’m being really subtle

As for the impatient – no it’s not to rush out of here and get my green beer going (ugh!).  My office floor is in the midst of a major floor renovation. The section where I sit was the first to be taken apart and worked on. As the partition wall is partially glass, it has a rather distracting bug under a magnifying glass feel. All day there has been a constant stream of colleagues from other areas on the floor, who have come walking around to get a good look at the finished product. I get it I do, as this will be their future as well, but it’s a cubicle – not a reinvention of the wheel.

As I said it was rather distracting, but this is me, always finding  a way to put my tongue firmly in cheek and snark things out.  The constriction guys left a portable line barrier off to the side in a room. They clearly forgot it was in the room as all other supplies have been moved to the next section.  So I decided to put it to good use.

click for full picture…

Yes, in a direct tribute to Les Nessman, the sign actually requests visitors to my cubicle to “Please Knock”. You’re as young as I am points to the first person who knows exactly where I got that from.

In the interim – unlike Erin – I’m not going braugh-less, but I am getting my Guinness on.

Happy Saint Patrick’s Day!!!

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Let’s see how others are slicing up their St. Paddy’s Day:

10th Annual Slice of Life Story Challenge! – DAY 17

And I Think I’m Going Out Of My Head

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My afternoon session over, I’m part joking around with a student and part mentally prepping for the next day’s training when my train of thought crashed spectacularly. It must have shown on my face.

Student: You okay?

Me: Yes. No. Tomorrow.

Student: Tomorrow?

Me: Yes, Tomorrow…

And this is what it sounds like when my brain fries

…and tomorrow, and tomorrow, creeps in this petty…wait no, that Shakespeare, that’s not tomorrow… creeps in this petty pace from day to day… NO!..Tomorrow never dies……what about tomorrow?… To the last syllable of recorded time… what the ever loving fuck?! I’m having a damn Shakespearean earworm!! …pace from day to day…day by day, oh dear Lord three things I pray…wait. What? No! My mind is shot…arrows… suffer the slings and arrows…GOD DAMN IT WILLIE SHAKES!…arrows…shot through the heart and you’re to blame…NO!…I will burn the heart…I have been reliably informed that I don’t have one… Oh Sherlock…Moriarty…Mycroft Masada Holmes…dammit no… Mycroft and Sherlock…broken heart…playing Operation…operations?…YES! Office of Operations! That’s who is coming in for training tomorrow!…

The mystery of tomorrow solved, I sigh in relief returning to what I was doing.

It was the very amused expression on my student’s face that informed me that entire stream of unconsciousness had in fact occurred aloud.

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For the record I referenced:
Shakespeare's "Macbeth” and “Hamlet“,
James Bond’s “Tomorrow Never Dies“,
“Day By Day” from the musical “Godspell”,
Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love A Bad Name“,
From BBC’s “Sherlock”, the pool scene
A friend and fellow blogger whose name (Mycroft Masada Holmes) coincides with a character from the show and finally,
An operating scene from BBC’s “Sherlock”

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#SOL2017

#SOL2017

At the halfway mark! Let’s see how others are slicing up their day:

10th Annual Slice of Life Story Challenge! – DAY 16