Glad I Didn’t Wait…

  1. I love jalapenos and had them in my salad for dinner. Uncouth and greedy idiot I am, did not use utensils, but fingers to consume said jalapenos.

  2. On way to the loo to wash my grubby jalapeno scented talons, I run into a friend I have not seen in a while who was leaving the restaurant. My mind said wash your hands it can wait. But my mouth had already called out to her. No choice now but to have the chat I garnered her attention for in the first place.

  3. Typical of me, hands forgotten, the chat devolves into silly conversation that soon has me wiping tears of laughter from my eyes. People – please review 1 and 2 above. It was a bit not good as I am quickly shown the error of my ways. Eyes now beginning to sting I hear a familiar motor sound approaching me.

  4. Another patron in a motorized chair is coming down the hall. When I politely step out the way as she passes -I don’t always apply them, but Grandmama taught me manners(!)-, I hear another very familiar sound, that is soon followed by cold wetness through my blouse.

  5. I turn in surprise realizing I backed into the automated hand sanitizer dispenser, that did its job and dispensed itself – on my back. The friend I was conversing with saw the stain and lost it, making a reference to a scene in the James Spader/Maggie Gyllenhaal movie “Secretary”. It was a reference I got, which sent me completely over the giggle edge. [Either you know the scene or you do not, I am NOT explaining it. Just know that it is sexual in nature and let your very dirty mind -if you have one- extrapolate from there.] I make it to the ladies room at last and she goes on her way.

  6. Now imagine walking into the ladies room to find a female at the sink, make-up ruined, seemingly trying not to cry while tears stream down her face, holding copious amounts of paper towels trying to blot dry a blouse spotted with suspicious looking stains down her back, without taking it off. Only when I saw the horror stricken look on her face as she slowly approached me in genuine concern and gently asked asked if I wanted to call someone did I get the enormity of how it looked from an unknowing eye.

    And me, being me, continue to be a child at a most inappropriate time, told her “Mr. E. Edward Grey!” referencing James Spader’s character in the above mentioned “Secretary.”

  7. Still giggling like the twelve-year-old I am mentally, I finally finished washing my hands and face as I assured her the only assault was from the automated hand sanitizer dispenser whose motion sensor I had accidentally set off. Much to the woman’s relief, and momentary blush, I also explained about the movie and that I refer to the Spader character as the original Mr. Grey, where I believe the author of the 50 Shades series of books/movies may have taken the surname inspiration.

  8. I had to wear my blazer with paper towels between my blouse and my back until the wet spots dried. But so worth the unexpected laughter. Yes, speaking to the my friend, instead of immediately washing my hands, could have waited, but I’m glad I didn’t.

    I also now have a mental bet with myself that the woman from the ladies room will be watching a certain movie before the week is out. It’s a Schrodinger’s bet, but I’ll wager it’s in my favor.

    And since I’m still in a puerile mood, I feel obligated to remind you dear readers May is National Masturbation Month – handle that information however you will.

Let’s see how others are slicing it out this first Tuesday in the merry, merry month of May…

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14 thoughts on “Glad I Didn’t Wait…

  1. This is one rolling delight after another…love love love the way this story builds, all the innuendo and humor you have woven into it…I cannot imagine having jalapenos in my eyes, just the thought of it made my eyes well up. The colleague who found you in the bathroom, how dear is it that they “asked if I wanted to call someone”? What a fabulous testament to a caring environment!!

  2. So funny, and while I don’t know the “secretary’ scene,I do know one with Cameron Diaz that involves a similar gag, I think. At the very least, anyone who like heat can relate to the jalapeno “talons” and the price of delay. Thanks for the chuckles.

    • Ah, I know the Cameron Diaz film, yup it’s on on the same track. It’s not the first time I have jalapeno-ed myself. And stubborn greedy git that I am; it won’t the last. Thank!

  3. Holy snot, jalapeños shot out of my nose from laughing at this.

    Just picturing the other woman from the bathroom before you had a chance to explain sprinting out into the hallway shouting “we need to track down a guy named Eddie Grey! Don’t let that bastard leave the restaurant!”

    • You had me giggling at “holy snot”, cringing at the jalapeño shot and near tears laughing again with that alternate scenario.
      Thanks for the return laugh!

  4. I can see this scene playing out in my mind. Knowing you from your writing I can’t imagine this going any other way. Thanks for a good laugh on a quiet afternoon. I believe that “adventures” such as these are just drawn to you. Glad you write about them.

  5. “Handle that information as you will.” Ha!

    Yeah. I’m smellin’ what you’re steppin’ in.

    Also? As someone whose juvenile sense of humor often has me wishing my thought bubble had tougher boundaries than my speech bubble, I. Get. This. And? Your play-by-play on this situation, terrible move by terrible move, had me laughing on a day I NEEDED it. THANK you.

    • Thanks Lainie, Considering the lack of boundaries on my speech as is, I am ever grateful my thought bubbles truly cannot be seen! Always happy my misadventures in living can bring a laugh when needed. Keep on steppin’ (without the smellin’) sister, you got this.

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