Category Archives: The Funny SIde

That Which Is Called…

Posted on by
2

What’s in a name? Shakespeare asks.

Clearly he was never subjected to the abject cruelty of schoolyard children to the poor child whose mama got a little thoughtless in the naming department. I’m also guessing one simply did not use a diminutive in those days. At least not one associated with male anatomy, right William?

<>==========<>==========<>

Another go at Flash Fiction, also called sudden fiction, micro fiction or nanofiction via Friday 55.
Write a story in exactly 55 words, then tell the G-Man!

Verbal Diarrhea Diaries: Callipygian Earnestness

Posted on by
1

Verbal Diarrhea Diaries (a.k.a. the shit that comes out of my mouth):

So, while holding a bag  that clearly contains my lunch in hand, I am about to enter the revolving door of my office building when I spy a colleague exiting. I stand to the side and wait for him to exit.

Seeing my bag he inquires of it contents.  I tell him it’s “poison”.  I have no idea why, but I can tell by his expression that he doubts the veracity of my statement.

“What?  You were warned years ago to never trust a big butt.” I say as I make it a point to smile broadly.

He’s stumped for all of .1 seconds before he starts grinning.

“I can’t play with you.” He throws up his hands and walks away, shaking his head while laughing.

Was it something I said?

– blame Bell Biv DeVoe!

Verbal Diarrhea Diaries: Doctor’s Order

Posted on by
2

Verbal Diarrhea Diaries – aka the shit that come out of my mouth:

A friend has had stomach problems for nearly a week. Well, nearly a week in which he has admitted it. Knowing him, it was going on for much longer. And why doesn’t he go to the doctor, you (and I) ask?

Quote– I know… I need to see the Dr.. but I am afraid — unquote

Of course me, being the caring, compassionate, being that I am (*cough/wheeze/choke/hack* – dang I can’t even say that in a blog with a straight face- responds as follows:

“Go right ahead and keep on procrastinating seeing the doctor. I declare if I have to come visit you in a hospital because you let something minor turn into something major, all because you were afraid, I am going to redefine the word harangue so badly as to make a filibuster seem a like mere quip!”

Want to take three guesses on who made an appointment -in my presence- to see the doctor on Friday?

Siren

Posted on by
14

.
.
You knew she was trouble when she walked in
Got quiet like a whisperer had spoke
With legs up to there, this doll was no joke
A quick glance from under my fedora
Face of an angel, but a body of sin
She was the box and I was Pandora

A tempest of whispers spread through the club
The slit of her dress was up to oh yeah
And not a thing underneath but pure air
That outfit was custom made to adorn
And where the babe walked were the whisper’s hub
Fitting her curves like nothing ever worn

Dress held together by a simple gold link
Even Frail Freddy rushed to take her hand
Just a marionette at her command
As he guided her to a stool on stage
Not a man in there had senses to think
As she crossed her leg with a perfect gauge

It felt like she looked each man in his eyes
Her liquid voice melting over their soul
Her descant was love gone out of control
Her notes downright gritty or raw and lonely
Yes, each man begged for her songs reprise
But she had her sites locked on one only

Deer to headlights I was trapped in her gaze
She pointed at me and crooked her finger
A beauty like that you don’t let linger
I stood giving my trench a little tuck
As she disappeared in the smoky haze
Half-hearted wishes grumbled lucky-schmuck

We rode each other ‘til we were cryin’
She never quite spoke, her words in sing- song
And she was saying things I knew were wrong
Like her husband she wanted me to kill
I realized she was a modern siren
But she knew she had control of my will

Her husband, I was to shoot in the head
When we met up later on in the park
After midnight when it’s quiet and dark
She had sung, I should have done as was told
She’s surprised when I shoot her down instead
I hardly heard her song, I had a head cold

I watch the glow of my cigarette tip
As her husband leans over and just smiles
I hadn’t seen him do that in a long while
He don’t smile much as leader of the mob
Yes, the start of a beautiful friendship
Paying me for the first of many jobs

<>==========<>==========<>
Have NO idea where my muse pulled this craziness from. I’m just rolling with it.

dVerse ~ Poets Pub | OpenLinkNight: Week 96

Verbal Diarrhea Diaries: Hey Mami

Posted on by
7

Verbal Diarrhea Diaries

(aka the shit that comes out of my mouth).

On being addressed as a female progenitor by people, other than the two I actually gave birth to, one time too many:

Him: Hey Mami

Me (annoyed): I am not your mother!

Him (surprised): But it’s just a term of endearment.

Me (eyes rolling): You just laid eyes on me for the first time in your life. I have yet to become an endearment for you to have a term to. It’s rude and an insult to all the women who are mothers, who have put in the work and earned the title.

Him (fishing): Maybe it just means on first sight I think you’ve got what it takes to love and take care of me.

Me (incredulously): Really?

Him (thinking he gained a point): Yeah.

Me (evil smile): So on first sight you think I’ve got what it takes…?

Him (cocky): Yeah.  To cook, clean and  all that good stuff, like a mother would.

Me (trying not to be mean, but failing):  And occasionally whip your ass?

Him (back peddling): No, that’s not what I meant, I…

Me (totally nonplussed at his ignorance by now): And is there’s some Oedipal history I should be aware of?

Him (clueless): What kind of history…?

Me (in full on evil mode): newsflash boy, because most men know better, when it comes to the majority of females you meet on the street addressing us by the title of the first woman whose vagina you came sliding out of, is not considered a compliment to the woman whose vagina you’re trying to slide into. Good-bye.

Want to guess what term of endearment was heard as I walked away? Hint: It rhymes with mucking witch.

Me (not even bothering to turn around): Thank you!
====================

Slice of Life graphic

Slice of Life Weekly Writing Challenge – April 16, 2013

Body Guard

Posted on by
18

A mere soldier in an arsenal of many
Some richer, thus seemingly more refined
Some not worthy of holding their title
But none better than I

You walk among the ranks
Visually surveying at first,
I feel your eyes sweep over me
Your gaze – Piercing – Questioning
Before they look away
Then return

And choose me

I know others have sneered
At the numbers gone through in your quest
The many soldiers who served
and then failed, for they were not worthy
But I am worthy
So I, I say nothing…
How can I?
I who now have the duty of protecting you

I throw myself in harm’s way daily
Head-to-toe, back-to-front
Your first layer of armor in a harsh world
Knowing I’ve done my job well
Every time someone compliments

Your soft, supple skin…

For that honor, I thank you.

Your ultimate body guard,
Lotion

====================
Feeling a little had, but grinning nonetheless aren’t you? 😉

dVerse ~ Poets Pub | Meeting The Bar:Negative Capability

Carol’s Day / Carol’s Night

Posted on by
Reply

Blizzard came from nowhere – darned blizzard
But am I a fan of snow? Of course not! But
Not that anyone asked me – of course not!

Happy? Of course, my children were happy
Snow day – no school – too much snow
Shot my plans for the day – totally shot

To finish the Harbor Memorial Feast, to
Do all the things I needed to do
Stuck at home just as I was stuck

Too late for to call a babysitter too
Take them all was more than I could take
Suck! Did all this simply suck!

Past noon, cabin fever claimed by noon’s past
Comfort of home is no longer a comfort
Fried ketchup? No, ketchup can’t be fried!

Nuts are in the DVD?!! ARE YOU NUTS?!?!
Kids – my darling, usually, well- behaved kids
Tried my patience, like it has never been tried

Parcel left at the curb, not even my parcel
Cussing inside instead of verbally cussing
Tongue hurt ‘cause I bit my tongue

Shoveled whatever needed to be shoveled
Salt got in my eyes – hydrochloride rock salt
Stung like the devil, how it stung!

Entertain? Tonight he wants to entertain?
Insane! My husband is freaking insane!
Oh migraine! I’m getting a migraine – oh!

Rang in the evening, my doorbell rang
Worsening a mood, way past worsening
Things I can’t be bothered by, nonsense things

Carolers, candle-holding carolers
Singers they wanted more singers
Sing they wanted me to sing

Spying eyes behind the curtains spying
Great – my husband actually said great!
Go ahead honey. You know you want to go!

Hymns, well I could sing the opus hymns
Joy – yes, it would bring back my lost joy
Go yes go! Hey lets all go!

Out we went and sang our voices out
Bells we rang singing Silver Bells
Praise flow from voices, joyous praise

Songs, how we sang those songs!
Grew friendships as carolers grew
Raised spirits with opus raised

So the stars – how they twinkle so!
Smiling with my kids just smiling
Right perfect, weather just right

Drifts of snow in piling drifts
Pains of day, now forgotten pains
Night divine O Holy Night

Heat, we savor the cocoa’s heat
Sweet comforts of my home sweet
Complete peace to a day complete

<>==========<>==========<>

Giving the Serpentine Verse a holiday whirl!

dVerse ~ Poets Pub | OpenLinkNight – Week 76 – Holiday Edition

A Stark Raivenne Mad Fat Girl In A Victoria’s Secrets World

Posted on by
2

A few of my friends will recognize the following event as it actually happened quite some time ago. However, in the hustle and bustle of this holiday season as I found myself in a very similar situation yet again, I have to tell it here just for the amusement – enjoy!

I walked into a local Victoria’s Secret with my best friend. The music coming through the speakers, greets us with various sultry sounding women with descant reprising the equivalent if not necessarily equal musical verse and chapter of how her man has done her wrong, once more, yet again. Because yes, while I’m alone at home, crying my eyes out into yet another gallon of Rocky Road ice cream and popping chocolate truffles like crack, I will want to be wearing hundred-dollar lingerie – but that’s just me.

Actually, that is a moot point. My best friend is the one buying. I’m just tagging along, as the only thing I can truly wear in this establishment is their cologne. For this bastion of beauty designed to adorn the feminine figure with a tempest of frail looking, but delectable lingerie delights had long ago decided that said feminine figures end at a numerical amount somewhat below the number of the ample mold the dear Lord as blessed upon me.

I touch silver links joining together a triangular swatch of silk I first presumed to be an eye patch before I realized it’s actually a thong. I then make the mistake of catching the eye of one of the pretty little sales girls who then swoops upon me like a hawk upon a tit mouse in a national forest park. My best friend, having endured my “I just want to fuck with folks mood” whenever we enter an establishment such as this, had wisely walked away from me knowing nothing good was going to come of this start of a beautiful friendship.

The sales girl wants to know, of course, if she can help me. Her eyebrow locked in that know-it-all “…because you can’t possibly be here making a purchase for yourself!” arch. I barely bite down the first instinct guiding my tongue to say something sweet like “Gain a hundred pounds, live with it for -oh- twenty or so years and come to a place like this – then ask me that question again”. Instead, because I am already bored, I ask if they carry plus sizes. She perked right up informing me (quite enthusiastically I might add), that they carry sizes all the way up to 38F! I smile sweetly, pick-up the nearest 36F I saw and held it up against my ‘numbers’. It was something akin to measuring golf ball against a baseball – but it was enough to wipe the self-satisfied arch off her brow.

Still, the poor, poor child didn’t take the hint and continued to follow me through the store actually answering what ever inane question popped in to my head. I saw a small black thin band of what appeared to be spandex and stretched it a bit. I was actually surprised, as I held it up for the sales girl to the see just as I was about to place it over my hair.

“When did Vicki’s start carrying headbands?” The look of shock on the sales girls face made me stop in mid-air.
“It’s a bandeau bra not a headband.” You’d think the icy coolness dripping of her voice would have stopped me right? Wrong!
“Oh! You mean like a tube top? Cool! Does it come in plus size?” My voice was dripping with as much saccharine as hers dripped glaciers.

I could hear my best friend losing the battle to stifle a laugh from in front of the cashier as she was well aware that I already knew what it was when I picked the damned thing up. The sales girl however, looked like she wanted to club me. I picked up another eye patch that had star-shaped crystals along the band connecting the material at the waist. Can you say ouch?
“Does this blue eye patch scratch?”
My best friend mercifully, for the sales girl anyway, grabbed me by the arm and snatched me out of there. Hey, I did say I was bored, didn’t I?

You know, I just realized I never did get the answer to that scratch question…

<>==========<>==========<>
Slice of Life Weekly Story Challenge

 

 

 

 

Slice of Life Weekly Story Challenge

30/30 – 30 | BOO!

Posted on by
4

My sons rolled their eyes at me as they always did when Halloween comes around.  Luckily, by their viewing at least, I do not go all out transforming the house into a holiday appropriate wonderland as I do for Christmas.  Still, every now and then I get into the I want to carve a pumpkin mood. This was one of those Halloweens were I was in a pumpkin carving, tons of chocolate and other goodies to give away, witches hat wearing mood. Now well into their teens, and knowing they are going to be dragged into it anyway shake their heads as they begrudgingly get into the spirit with me.

Thanks to such cinema sweethearts as Freddy Cruger (Nightmare on Elm Street) and Michael Myers (Halloween) faux bloody masks were de rigueur.  My youngest gets an idea and asks to borrow his father’s full length leather trench coat. Both of us being well aware of his imagination, my eldest and I look at each other part warily, partly with anticipation to see where this is going to go.

My youngest dons the coat and mask, pulls up the hood to the hoodie, grabs the big bowl of candy and when the coast is clear steps outside to stand perfectly still in a corner of the front porch closest to the front door.  He was already six feet tall by this point, thus he cut an imposing figure in the leather and bloody mask.  If any trick-or-treaters want candy, they are going to have to come to the statue to get it.

“Oh this is going to be good!” My eldest grins as we stand by the living room window to watch the scene unfold.  It takes a few minutes, but soon enough there are five or six children standing by the front gate trying to determine whether it is safe to come get the candy just sitting there in the bowl for the taking.  As always with such a group, some poor soul is goaded into being the brave one to investigate.

The little boy opens the gate takes a step in and stops. My youngest does not move a muscle. I cannot see him breathe; nor blink. He is a perfect Halloween statue. The little boy takes a few tentative steps more up the path, but still no movement from the statue. He looks back at his friends who goad him on. He makes his way up the short path to the first step and stops again, trying to gauge the situation. It is taking everything my eldest and I have not to laugh aloud as we watch this unfold.

“Hey, it’s just a statue holding a bowl of candy come up and get some!” The boy yells back to his friends bravely climbing the remaining steps as the friends come running up the pathway.  The boy raises his hand to get candy and the moment his fingers touch…

“RAWRAAAAARGGHHH!”  

The “statue” comes roaring to life and scares the living heck out of the poor child and his friends.  They are screaming, running down the steps and halfway down the pathway, before the combined laughter of my sons and I make them realize they have just been had. My youngest stops laughing long enough to call the boy back and convince them all it is okay to have candy. He gives the other kids a few candies each, but lets the little boy take as much candy as he wants for being the brave one.

<>==========<>==========<>

Slice of Life Story Challenge

Slice of Life Story Challenge

It seemed only fair since tomorrow is Halloween, that I have at least one such story for it.
And with this, the only non-fiction story of the set 30/30 set, I miraculously conclude the 30 Stories in 30 Days Challenge on time.  It has been an interesting romp stretching my imaginative path, I hope you’ve enjoyed the stretch. I now return to my irregularly scheduled blogging.