Tag Archives: humor

Beaned

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hello_darkness

The bean’s the scene, potency gleaned
It’s the dark daily grind by far, har- har!
A buck’s a deer, yet scales appear,
What do mermaids have to do with stars?

Now I do insist on non-instant
For getting into hot water is tough
And granted thirty will leave me quite quirky
But a venti is never enough.

It’s derision, this double vision
To work uphold, I must first upend
It’s a blip, a drip, a tip, a sip
Hello darkness my old friend!
starbucks-logo

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Hmmm, maybe I do need more coffee…

dverse
dVerse Poet’s Pub – Open Link Night # 186

Verbal Diarrhea Diaries: The Big Achoo

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One of my several knuckle-headed, irreverent Facebook buddies posted the following…

If God sneezes, what do you say to Him?If God sneezes, what do you day to Him?

Me, being equally knuckle-headed and irreverent, responded in kind of course …

Salud! Careful Big Dude, I heard the last time that happened You accidentally took out the dinosaurs.

Salud! Careful Big Dude, I heard the last time that happened You accidentally took out the dinosaurs.

The older I get the more certain I am that Mr. Alighieri is going to need a whole new circle built for me and my shenanigans. At least I’m guaranteed excellent company.

Sevenling: (For two hours daily)

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For two hours daily my parakeet squawks
while my cat hisses as
my dog is howling

All in harmony with cars honking below
Planes flying above and the kid
badly practicing the cello next door

Earplugs are a thing of beauty indeed

claudia-music-1

Artist: Claudia Schoenfeld
Used with Permission

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Today at dVerse Victoria inspires us to use one of the paintings of fellow dVerse Poet Claudia Schoenfeld for our poems. As Claudia is also a musician we are further challenged to write a poem using the SEVENLING form with a theme of music.

The painting I chose clearly inspired me in an offbeat direction.

dVerse ~Poets Pub |
Poetry and Painting Embrace: We Can’t Forget Claudia Schoenfeld

Meter Down

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Oh, I’m lousy at meter
Unless it’s Demeter
Of she I can speak night and day
Iambic pentameter
Just doesn’t matterer
To my muse any way

Saw what I did there, eh?

And “da-DUM da-DUM”
Just makes me feel dumb
Strike that mouse in the clock I begs
For I will give the boot
To all who mention “foot”
When lyrics ain’t got any legs,

But will run for some green ham and eggs. Dregs!

Whether di-, pent- or Hexes
Oh how meter vexes
The voice when unnaturally dropped
On meter spanned then
With lines enjambed when
Ow! I think my poor brain has popped!

And now my watch is end-stopped

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popped
In a play against how cell phones now seem to take up so much of our time, Izy at Real Toads takes us “Out of Standard” and challenges us to pick up our cell phones for some “inspiredo”  by taking the last text received and use it in a poem. Luckily, my last text had no emojis.

real-toads-buton

Real Toads | Out of Standard – From the Black Mirror 

Meanwhile at dVerse, Victoria challenges us to pick a subject and write in meter to set its mood. Can you say ‘Ugh!”? I have never been one for formal meter.  If a word or phrasing comes naturally to my write, an errant “foot”, sticking out like a sore thumb, will happen. The message is more important. Thus,  I could not resist delightfully mocking it here as my subject, throwing in some poetic terminology,  Hickory Dickory, Dr. Seuss and a touch of Game of Thrones to boot.

dverse

dVerse ~ Poets Pub | Meter-Made Mood–dVerse Meeting the Bar

Spring My Aunt Susy’s Satchel

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In winter people complain about the cold.  The deeper in winter it gets, the more people complain. It’s a given. However, there comes a point in winter, usually around Ground Hog Day, where I find myself complaining about those complaining.

It’s winter, it’s cold – uh hello – it’s WINTER – that’s what it does – get cold – duh!

Still, by mid-March I am just as happy as everyone else at the hope of spring being mere days away. And while the First Day of Spring brought light snow, and temperatures during the first week fluctuated wildly, we finally had our hopes of warming climes substantiated when last Friday came in all nice and cozy. Friday was also April 1st, a.k.a. April Fool’s Day and the joke was certainly on us.

The temps have steadily decreased from the oh so loverly 78 degrees of Friday to the whopping 43 degrees high expected for today.  I mean really now. By the time I walked in to work you could have easily convinced me that we somehow went back a month in time. The 30+ degree wind chill that greeted me this morning was just mean. Singing “Baby It’s Cold Outside” in April ain’t cool y’all. I was all set to hang up my winter coat for the next six months and this happens.  Clearly Ol’ Man Winter and the March Lion have not received their official GTFO memo from Demeter. Seriously, chick – hop to it already!

Yes, the deities of mythology and I tend to have major conversations when the weather is adverse to what is expected. Those of you who follow my blog may have already read posts referencing Ol’ Winter, the March Lion and Lamb, and Persephone and Demeter. Suffice it to say all of them had a major talking to from me this morning! From what I can read from my scattered friends online these past couple of days, very few of us in the upper parts of this North American hemisphere are happy with those fickle deities and weather personifications shenanigans.

I apologize immensely for all of you who suffer from allergies, but I am so ready for the annual floral orgy. When I start hearing the masses of you discuss (ahem- whine/complain/grumble -ahem) about your struggles I will know for sure that spring has arrived truly and is hanging around to stay, because right now my Facebook says this:

spring my

And I think that says it all.

By the way I don’t have an Aunt Susy – let alone her satchel.

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Let’s see how my fellow slicers are holding it up this week:

sol

Slice of Life Tuesdays | Two Writing Teachers

Do You Hear Me Now?

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She starts with the hand open,
Near her mouth, palm toward,
But not touching her face,
Veins appearing on the back of her hand
Forming a claw
That moves downward past the mouth
Oh hell

I try not to smile

I watch the bend and flex
Of her wrists and joints
Her delicate bones
Making fierce gestures
As she tells me off

I try not to smile

She yells at me something fierce
Manicured fingers
Form intricate patterns
Punctuating the strong words
Silently speaking volumes

I try not to smile

I know she’s caught me
Her tightly fisted hands at chest level
Fly up and then open in exasperation
I gently grasp her soft hands
Holding her attention

“Darling you’ve just yelled at me solely in ASL again.”

The hand signal
She uses next
Needed no translation

I smile

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At dVerse “Mish” leaves in in our hands to conjure up a write about those most hard-working appendages – our hands.  My muse took me to one pissed off woman “yelling” at her not yet fluent in ASL spouse.

dverse

dVerse Poets Pub | Poetics – Poetics – Can You Give Me a Hand?

Where? There!

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As I run amok in my home town I am wont to randomly photograph any architecture and various works of art, that capture my attention. On occasion they are easily recognizable icons of New York City – the Empire State Building, the Prometheus sculpture at Rockefeller Center. Mostly, I like to capture items the even fellow denizens may not be aware exist unless they frequent the area.

The rules, such they’re not, are simple enough. Anything under “Where’s Raivenne?” is somewhere in New York City. I post the picture and you guess the location.  The first person to guess the correct location generally wins. A more exact location, even if it appears after a correct response, will trump a more generic description.  For example this photo:

Where's Raivenne

Click for larger image

The person who responded with the lyrics to the song “Downtown” was technically correct. I was in downtown NYC. She won my heart because I do love that song, but “downtown” is too vague to win the game.  Two people responded with the correct answer – City hall Park. the person who responded first “won”. The only answer that would have trumped it is if someone had said answered something like”The fountain at City Hall Park facing Park Row”.

The rules are very loose and winners receive nothing more than the accolade of knowing they’ve guessed correctly.

Some guess more than others, some get them right more than others, some of my of fellow denizens get none of them right.  I also give extra points for creative answers, that are blatantly wrong, but make me laugh. Sometimes I even stump myself. Such as when I once  I posted a picture while I was drunk and had no idea where I was the next day. It took two years and pure happenstance that I walked past the exact place again to answer my own query.

Every now and then I toss out technicalities just to mess with people. Hey, my games – my rules, but it’s all in fun.

I post them on my Facebook page under the heading of “Where’s Raivenne?” The tagline to the album states:

You may not know where I’m going, but you might know where I’ve been…

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Let’s see where my fellow slicers are taking us today in the challenge:

sol

Slice of Life Writing Challenge – Day 16 – Two Writing Teachers

Verbal Diarrhea Diaries:I Said Duck!

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If you’ve read my About Raivenne page then you know of my proclivity to drop a salty word or two. If not let me say it in plain language, it’s my blog and every now and then I will fucking cuss if I feel like it.  That being said, if you have followed this blog for a while then you also know, I really don’t curse all that much. At least not here. Everyplace else however is a different story. Suffice it to say my auto-correct, whether on my computer, my tablet or my phone gets quite the work out in changing all the french I speak, which has nothing to do with the lovely language spoken in France.  (Why do we call that -cursing-  speaking french anyway?) Thus when a friend posted the following on Facebook I was highly amused:

duck it

 

My comment and true story:

Oh my autocorrect must have become annoyed at my always correcting its tendency to offer a more feathered suggestion when I am demanding a more carnal one. I swear the one time I was actually texting duck confit, it switched it to the cuss word in revenge.

I probably should make more of an effort to curtail the fowl language – then again, duck it.

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We are officially at the halfway point! Whoo-hooo! Let’s see how others are slicing through this Tuesday and 15th day of the challenge:

sol

Slice of Life Writing Challenge – Day 15 – Two Writing Teachers

 

Verbal Diarrhea Diaries – As Cute Does

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“I bet you think you’re cute.”

This coming from a young woman in her late twenties to me because I, a grown-ass woman almost twice her age, beat her to a seat on the subway.  I’m sure she only said it because she saw I had earbuds on and likely thought I could not hear her. Wrong.

Let’s see…

I.  I’m in a bodycon dress where this body is throwing all kinds of conscious attitude, the boots are cute, the mane with it’s deep purple highlights is shining and glorious, the gold mirrored, clear trim sunglasses are fierce and the face is done.

II. A woman does not step out of her home looking the way I looked  and don’t know she’s got it going on – no apologies or *bleeps*  given.

III. Oh dear Lord, it’s 2016 – catty females still say “she think she cute”? I thought that was as played out as “jive turkey”. So disappointing.

Being called out on cuteness traditionally is supposed to tear a female down. It’s a chastisement. Because heaven forbid she should own her beauty. She should be modest and demur, respond with something along this lines of “Oh no, I don’t think I’m cute”

Pssshht! This is me we’re talking about – addressing someone who is likely ten years the junior of my own children. Modest? Demur? Me?–Never going to happen.

“Let me explain it to you this way – both of my parents brought nothing but beautiful children into this world and I’m an only child.”

She said nothing else to me, but from the murderous look that crossed her face, I think she got the point.

N’est-ce pas?

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Let’s see how others are getting through this 10th day  of the challenge:

sol

Slice of Life Writing Challenge – Day 10 – Two Writing Teachers

Aaarrrgggh!

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aarrgh

I missed posting yesterday. How did it happen? And so early in the challenge to boot? I woke up with the intent to post. I even had a couple of ideas on things to post. Then I was reminded yesterday was International Women’s Day.

Wait… what?  I knew it was Women’s History Month, but how did the day itself totally slip my radar?

Argh!

Now I wanted to write something for the day. I even found a great graphic to open with – so what happened? Oh, that thing called my job *queue echo chamber*. The errands I ran during lunch, that would have been my time to work on the challenge. The much needed snooze I took on the train ride home where I remembered I promised to drop by my sister and check her computer. Only to receive a text from my brother, who did something to his computer and needed my to check it. Yes, I’m the family  tech support – don’t ask.  I know the drill – I will have no peace until the issues are resolved. Just go get it done, Rai.

Aarrgh!

All done with everyone else I walk into my door and see the mounds of  laundry that had been put off for too long and were sorted last night before I went to bed waiting to be washed. This was ridiculous. I had to get at least one dang load done before anything else right? Right.  But wait, why do I have a headache – oh I’m hungry. Why am I hungry? I had a cup of soup for lunch before errands. That was only six-seven hours ago. Really Raivenne?  A. Cup. Of. Soup. Six-Seven. Hours. Ago.

Aarrggh!

My cousin picked a perfect time to call offering dinner. I had actually declined because I knew if I left the house nothing else was getting done.  Bless his heart he brought it to me. Yes! A load of laundry is in the machine, it’s not even 10pm, I will eat and I will get to writing – perfect.

I woke up after 2am.

Are you kidding me! My partially consumed dinner on the table in front of me, wet laundry still in the washing machine waiting to be hung.  Yet what was my first thought – “Dammit I didn’t post!”  Come on say it with me people…

Aarrgghh!

So today I post on how I did not post yesterday. I pick up my pen, turn it into pixels, cross fingers it does not happen again and keep on writing, but as for yesterday…

Wooden stamp with failed word

Aaarrrggghhh!

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Let’s see how others are getting through this Day 9 of the challenge:

sol

Slice of Life Writing Challenge – Day 9 – Two Writing Teachers