The Flip Side

Him: You will never be as bad as you’d like people to think you are.
Me: True, but I will never be as good as you’d like to think I can be.

Had to “Friend Zone” someone who truly did not want to be there. Worse, by putting him in that friend zone, I may I have lost him as exactly that.

I know far too well how it feels to be on his side of unrequited. Knowing that I’m doing the right thing, instead of the easy one, does not make being on this side of it any easier.

Visit the rest of today’s Slices of Life over at Two Writing Teachers.

SOL - Slice of Life March Challenge 2012

 

 

Justice in Passing

Each morning he studied his reflection
The clear watchet eyes, brushing wavy, not kinky hair
Looking for any shift, the slightest sign
Of any imperfection that may decide to appear there

He knows he has made his life by his looks
The only liaise between his present and his past
He has sampled the best of life by doing so
But lives in quiet desperation, fearing it can’t last

His wife thought he was much too modest
Flaunting her own scintillating beauty with pride
For even the skew of his roman nose was perfect
And he should learn to take life’s rewards in stride

Her fair complexion, fine features and hair of flame
She mocks those deemed not quite their peer
Color conscience in a way not very demur
Never cruel, but her feelings were quite clear

He himself sometimes talked up the game
Convincing others with the occasional taunt
To prove himself as all that they were not
Among the faithless they get as their wont

He does not deny the momentary fillips
His proud solid looks brings about such
But he won’t saunter for fear of his secret
Because he knows they can lose so very much

But what he fears more than loosing his money
More than losing his job or his own life
When the inevitable secret is revealed
Is the torrent of hate that would befall his wife

And so they lived a quiet Christian life
The seasons passing as they are wont to do
Secure as the bell and beau of their tiny town’s ball
But not having faith they just might make it through

Thus it came at night, the sacred secret exposed
On a neighbors porch singing hymns after supper
Faces covered in pointed sheets arrived carrying shackles
In the ensuing scuffle he realized they had chained her

The hooded men claimed when they killed her family of frauds
Years ago, she had escaped, but they finally had her now
As her tears splashed on the ground with her spilled blood
He sat on the porch in utter shock, his heart bellowing “how?!”

He saw himself in those chains as they pulled her along
While she screamed, begged pleaded her veracity
Lip curved in a snarl, his heart turns so very grim
Doing nothing as they took the wrong person away

He took a gamble by leaving all that he’d known
His southern home held nothing for him but blight
When the dice lie still he emerged in the north
As years ago, he a black man slipped into the white

He moved and years later married again
This time lineage or virtue was not in doubt
But when his first-born son was of a dubious hue
It was her family who cast him and the baby out

He gave his son to the first refuge that would take him
So weary from running, he never noticed their maid
Until the clan came with the maid, once his first wife, by their side
He knew the costs of all his sins were to be finally paid

It had been nearly thirty years to the day
To be caught up with the past he had left behind
As he became strange fruit he had to concede
Justice was maybe slow, but was not always blind

>========<
Entered in:

dVerse Poets Pub – Open Link Night: Week 33

Awaken

I awaken and start the day anew
I wish to shout for joy, but it won’t be
this piece of hell that’s become me and you
It’s simply washed all joy away from me

I wish to shout for joy, but it won’t be
With caution is how I now must behave
It’s simply washed all joy away from me
The gallant now replaced with the depraved

With caution is how I now must behave
I’m just as much his virgin as his vamp
The gallant now replaced with the depraved
A dexterous mixture of coy and tramp

I’m just as much his virgin as his vamp
Some elder ring of hell has been released
A dexterous mixture of coy and tramp
My “once upon a time’ prince now deceased

Some elder ring of hell has been released
To wallow in these sins he does impel
My “once upon a time’ prince now deceased
Like fairy tales my mother used to tell

To wallow in these sins he does impel
I join in things I once never conceived
Like fairy tales my mother used to tell
I‘m awed by all I’ve been lead to believe

I join in things I once never conceived
My mind and soul warped so far out of joint
I ‘m awed by all I’ve been lead to believe
Until I’m pushed beyond the breaking point

My mind and soul warped so far out of joint
I hushed the urge of fighting brevity
Until I’m pushed beyond the breaking point
I fought for my peace and longevity

I pushed the urge of wanting brevity
This piece of hell that’s become me and you
I fought for my peace and longevity
I awaken and start the day anew

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dVerse Poets Pub | Form For All: Pantoum

‘Tis The Season

‘Tis the season full of joy
smiles on the faces of every girl and boy

Presents wrapped by the tree, searching for your name
trying to guess the contents – toys, clothes or a games

Singing carols by the fire,
or listening to carolers, outside the door
Not worrying about the last cup of eggnog
knowing there’s more

Snow covering the streets,
adding to the yuletide
I remember when I used to see it all from the window inside

My Christmas fire, is the heat felt through a grate
Though I haven’t even had much of that as of late

A new coat for me is someone’s thrown away old
that I find here or about
The only game I play, is guessing when to leave
before the cops throw me out

I’ve long since given up on the Christmas deal
I count my blessings that I make it to the next meal

The snow covering the streets, freezes me to the bone
for all the shoppers on the street, I sit here alone

Moving from one corner to the next, just to the pass the time
wishing for more than a nickel or dime

I get more dollars than coins these days, for some reason

Oh right, I remember…

‘Tis the season

>===<>===<

Entered in:

Poetry Picnic Week 18:
Snow, December, Winter Vacations & Wildness,

He Sits

He sits
on a rock in the dark of night
Watching the nearby airport’s planes in flight

In the distance, city lights sparkle like gems
An hour ago, he stood among them

He knew he should have taken that first plane
But he was on a hot streak to leave was insane

His streak quickly went on a downward slope
Cashed in the plane ticket, a bus he could cope

“I believe just one more hand, and I’ll have it beat”
Now another person sits in his Greyhound seat

Resolute he tossed in the last token
Doomed, before the dealer had spoken

The wheel slowed to a pause, and he yelled “Stay gold!”
Worries over, he’d swear he saw heaven unfold
But gravity turned the wheel that one last click
Yes, fate had pulled off another cruel trick

He sits
on the rock, the eerie silence bliss
Shakes his head on how his life came down to this

Calm in this dark orchard of desert sand
Night creatures the least of his minds demand

Ordered to stay out of the Fool’s Paradise
God, how he wishes he had taken that advice

His brief streak ended, he couldn’t make book
Down to the last coin, his goose was cooked

He embarked on this weekend to have fun
Now he prays his wife forgives what he’s done

Wondering how is she going to cope
He’s taken every dime of theirs down the slope

He doesn’t try to run when the dark suits appear
Inside the loan shark’s mansion, he’s beyond tears

Not the first, not the last he falls in queue
As the suits do what they’re hired to do

So this is how it ends, the thought does occur
In the split seconds before the silencer

He sits
on the rock in the dark thick
Doesn’t even flinch, when he hears the click

 

 

Nothing Else…

So close, no matter how far 
Couldn’t be much more from the heart 
Forever trusting who we are 
No, nothing else matters
Nothing Else Matters – Metallica – The Black Album 

I was singer and she my muse
Not famous north of here, but holding my own
My songs weren’t quite rock, weren’t quite blues
Trying to cross that line into the well known
Together she helped me pay my dues
Would pin any bad press, to them being bizarre
She saw past my state of little visibility
Looking at the things, I shall never see
Told me one day I’d touch a star
So close, no matter how far 

She was but a little wisp of a sweet fruity thing
She said she could blow too, I thought it was jive
I gave her a mike, to she what she could bring
Suddenly this small world just blew open wide
And yes! Dear Lord, yes! The girl could sing!
A voice so pure, one heard the veil of heaven’s part
I wanted the cosmos to hear the beauty of such
All the dreams I thought, I shall never touch
She wanted the same, who was I to thwart
Couldn’t be much more from the heart 

I lifted her high so they could all see
And hear the voice that can make the devil cry
She became her own star as she was meant to be
But then She flew away without a goodbye
I never dreamed her dreams didn’t include me
Somewhere our worlds stretched apart too far
No longer her equal my life was now waste
She the dish of a life, I shall never taste
Knowing our lives will never make par
Forever trusting who we are 

Loneliness is the price incurred
My scales balance to instability
I say it all, yet I say not a word
Soulless I drift the dim streets of the city
Like Munch, I’m screaming but not a sound is heard
I’m once again voiceless in the constant chatter
Locked in a cloak of my own self inflicted fears
Trapped with all the songs, I shall never hear
When all hopes and dreams finally shatter
No, nothing else matters

====><====
Entered in:

Thursday Poets’ Rally Week 57
(December 1-December 7, 2011)

Using my beloved glosa form again.

WINNER:

It’s such a small word
To capture all that I feel
Thanks is all I have

Thank you for the Perfect Poet Award for Week 57!

I nominate The Lonely Recluse.

Why I’m Adipositive…

I’ve modeled for The Adipositivity Project, for about three and half years now and again today I am asked why. Thankfully, I know from those who’ve asked, the question is not the why of TAP itself, but why me? Why do “I” shamelessly participate? And quick answer is “Why not?”

Yes, I own a full length mirror at home. It may be old and has started to be spotty in some places, but it is no way near being so old that it can fool my eyes into not seeing what’s there. Trust me, I see every roll, lump, bump, crease, crevice, varicose vein, crows feet, laugh line, cellulite, splotch, mole, scar that I have gained over my forty-eight years on this earth quite clearly. I also see the tan lines from the bikini I wore at the pool in Las Vegas this past summer. I see the beauty mark my on breast that my late-husband was drawn to kiss as a moth is drawn to porch light after dark. I see the wrinkle I have over my right eyebrow only, because I am constantly arching it in sarcasm, amusement, anger, delight and yeah seduction. I see the body that used to be able to do sixty-crunches in sixty seconds, but fully owns that the only crunch I’m interested in now is usually Nestle’s. I’m simply a human female who happens to be fat and refuses to be cowered in the booth, in the back, in the corner, in the dark, by a society that constantly sees me as less than average simply because I weigh more than average.

I can’t lie; I didn’t always embrace my size. I always had the broad shoulders, thick thighs and big ol’ booty that drove my poor mother crazy when clothes shopping as a child. Even before I crossed that magical line that classified me as fat, many years before the dreaded letters BMI became a part of our health lexicon, I was never small enough to be considered a “plus-size” model even by current standards. My current state of fatness seemed to take only a few easy years to develop. As my friend Lyn is fond of saying “God made me and I helped out”; but the acceptance of that fatness and the phatness of me was a much longer, harder struggle that (in retrospect), even I concede was not as hard as it now for my fellow sisters-in-fatness. I have a special empathy for all the young fat girls and women coming up in this age where the constant bombardment of images of beauty and health do not reflect the beauty they see in their own mirrors each day.

Dot Golberg, a fan of The Adipositivity Project recently posted a YouTube clip on the Facebook page of Substantia Jones, the amazing photographer behind TAP that makes it the fat-de-force it is. Technically, the clip is a project for her college film course. In reality, the clip is in fact “a love letter to Adipositivity” as one commenter to the post aptly stated. While Ms. Goldberg speaks solely for herself, her words, her self-discovery and awareness of her own beauty are words I’m sure every woman of size, wherever they are in their personal journey, can relate to. As I posted on my own Facebook wall when I shared it, the reason why I continue to participate in The Adipositivity Project is For the unspoken fat women out there who have felt or want feel this, but can’t put it into heartfelt words as beautifully as Dot Goldberger has.
Thank you, Dot.

Watch Dot Goldberg’s love letter here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oTzfBws7JWg

“Yes, I am fat. Yes, I am curvy. And yes, I am beautiful. I am all of those things.”
– Dot Golberg

Each Day Anew…

I wake and start each day anew
I shake myself to clear my head
I take on faith I’ll muddle through
I make myself get out of bed

The day is as it was before
The play of life’s dramas unfold
The clay of my face gets new scores
The way it will for days untold

Time flaunts with me in its cruel way
Time wants me to think I’m all right
Time daunts my tears in light of day
Time haunts me then in dark of night

Can’t lie my pain will soon be through
Can’t fly away until it’s gone
Can’t buy back moments to redo
Can’t die so no choice but go on

It’s true that heartache ends, but when?
It’s few the days I feel it cease
It’s due I know, but until then
It’s through my pen I find release

I know I have the strength to cope
I go as heart and soul say to
I sow my seeds of faith and hope
I grow and start each day anew

====<>====

[written several very short, yet long years ago – about six weeks after becoming a widow.]

The form used is called a Lento. Strictly speaking a Lento is two quatrains of eight syllables (a Double Lento has four quatrains, or as I have done, a Triple Lento with six quatrains). A Lento requires that you rhyme the very first word of each line in the stanza and have an ending rhyme of abcd. As you can see I took a little creative licensing here by repeating the first word and rhyming the second words instead and having an end rhyme of abab.

dVerse Poets Pub | Poetics: The Beautiful Sadness

when all that’s raptured

Some trust so hard in human fallacies
Only to mock and thrash against the rails.
Whose fault to follow those who cannot see?
Prophecies bold behind curtains and veils.
Can one but wonder what is there to be,
When all that’s raptured, becomes all that fails?
Even The Word states not when, only why
In God We Trust some say, but actions lie

========

Written for
One Stop Poetry
OSP - Ottava Rima
Form Mondays : Ottava Rima

Two Taps

My job is thus: this terror end
It’s not for a purpose, higher
nor a matter of my desire

Though there are those I will offend
Pure steel my nerve, for whom I serve
A decade’s span, this tale to rend

The choice was death, I take aim – fire
Two taps I’m done: this terror ends…?

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Written for One Stop Poetry:
One Stop Monday Form – Octains