Even As

These stolen moments with you singe my lips
Even as I stand in the blaze of summer’s sweat
Even as I stand in the midst of winter’s onset
My need for you overrides my hardships
Caught in your haze, my resolve slips
As with each touch of you I love and regret
These stolen moments

Even as I know how your poison drips
Even as I know you’ll be my death yet
I stand here and light up another cigarette
I pray each day I’ll free of your grips
These stolen moments


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 Thursdays Poets’ Rally Week 49
Thursdays Poets’ Rally Week 49 (July 28 – August 3, 2011)

NaPoWriMo — Return to Gray

Sun-kissed ballerinas took turns dancing
with the red-brown foliage of the trees.
They fluttered their arms like birds in flight,
dusting the forest below with white and gray.
Blankets in monochromatic shades twisted
themselves between the trunks. With might.
sunsets and sunrises came and went: majestic,
beautiful, romantic with each season, and now
it is winter again. The gold of morning hints at light;
Never truly day, never truly night.

Her head was tilted back, in a vulnerable pose,
waiting for the cold fist of melancholy to come
uninvited, and knock at her door. Love was a riddle
branded to her lips as she sighed his name
one more time, for old time’s sake. She swore and cursed,
as the snow fell outside and her tears, pale and white,
remained. She just wanted to remember how she
hasn’t been able to forget, and forget that she still
remembers. His memory spilled from her lips–spite,
This whispering place between dark and light.

She thought the she could control the sentiments
but they snaked their way to the surface.
A rosary of emotions tumbled forth
from ones time dulled to ones vivid – bright.
One more time her fingers travel paths familiar
only to her subconscious eye,
paths his fingers once gently traveled
across her soft yielding skin.
Experiencing again all his colors with an audible sigh
Living a dream, wishing on a star in the sky.

And not for the last time she’ll wonder what if,
what if all had worked out as once dreamed.
Try as she might, she can’t push them away.
Bead by aching bead all their moments
now only alive in her memories,
pulled so deep to a point even she can’t deny.
She does what she has to; to get past this need,
to return to the more controllable feelings of gray.
Relinquishing the hurt she’s trying so hard to let die,
Surviving this pain, refusing to break down and cry.

Reflections on Maybe

Penned this over 25 years ago for my late-husband.
Praying I get to feel something like this again someday…

I think of him night and day. If not exactly twenty-four hours, as close as humanly possible for anyone to honestly come. He opened the closed book that was my mind with knowledge. He filled my hardened heart with happiness and refreshed my weary soul with joy.

Maybe it’s just imagining things.

When I’m not with him, everything becomes dull and lifeless, off kilter. The most exquisite of items have no appeal. When I am with him however, everything has color and magic. I can suddenly see the majesty in a variety of ordinary of things.

Maybe it’s all in my mind.

When time comes in two forms; how long it has been since I last saw him and how long it will be until I see him again. I find myself saying things like ‘It must have happened on Friday because it was the day before the last time we went out and that was two days ago.’

Maybe it’s just being silly.

When I’m with him I feel changed-different. That things can be good solely because he is apart of it. He leaves me feeling so fulfilled, that for a long time afterwards, I forget how hardened and empty my life felt without him. He calls and whispers sweet everythings for an hour, then I’ll call back a minute for an encore. And the charm of it is, we don’t have to speak to each other, we just seem to feel what needs to be.

Maybe it’s crazy.

I find myself opening at just the thought of him. I can feel his presence even when there’s an ocean between us. I find myself doing extra things that are pleasing to him, because what he feels-I feel. When he laughs-I laugh, he hurts-I hurt. I choose to stand by him, not because I have to, but because that’s where my heart knows I should be and death defy all who dares to down him. When without him I can’t breath and with him I’m breathless.

Maybe it’s imagining things.
Maybe its all in my mind.
Maybe it’s silly.
Maybe it’s crazy, but
Maybe, just maybe, it’s

Love

NaPoWriMo — Final Goodbye

You charmed me with a personal obsession
Made me feel our stars crossed above
I was the best and the best was your possession
Too late I learned possession isn’t love

The morning’s desperate heartfelt plea
You didn’t mean to go off about the pen
And you kissed the newest hurt tenderly
I was desperate to believe it wouldn’t happen again

In the good times you made me feel safe and sound
In the bad times you were someone I never knew
In the phantasmagoria mess I found
I was helpless as to what to do

Our life was perfect from afar
No one could put the sham to task
A nattily tied scarf to cover a mar
Bruises hidden behind a foundation mask

Even in the face of your constant rage
Saying goodbye was never an issue
The fear of being alone far outweighed
the fear of being with you

I played the perfect partner for so long
I started to believe my own sham
So used to tapping to your song
I couldn’t tell you who I am

And I’m not sure when the tide turned
Or just when it all fell apart
I just knew this love you once earned
Became a huge gaping hole in my heart

You went off on a business trip one day
And I just simply went out
By the time you returned I was a continent away
Redefining who I was about

And for a year you cajoled or threatened or yelled
I was terrified to go out for a walk
but by God’s grace my new convictions held
As I let you in for a final talk

The charm was still there I had to concede
But I was no longer yours to command
Your look of resignation made my heart bleed
But the signed papers stayed clutched in my hand

Still ‘Come back!” wanted to rip free from my lips
But those are words I know I’ll never say
Goodbye’s a word my soul has learned to equip
It’s in my tears as you drive away

The final goodbye lay in a teary puddle on the ground
Memories of you fading into the morning mist
As I remember love comes many surrounds
But never in the form of a fist

Getting “LOST”…

I started writing this day after the LOST finale episode. I have refused to view any of my favored blogs, boards and forums because I wanted my opinions here however sublime, or completely far-fetched, to be my own as I try to digest what I’ve spent a part of the past few years of my life for.

Six years ago on Friday, September 22, 2004, just a few days after my birthday, I received an incredible eye-opening present: the pilot episode of LOST.

Ah, an opening eye…

LOST: Jack's eye - open

That most powerful metaphor for the window to the soul, and a symbol used many times throughout the run of the series, opens in a nice quiet lush grove of bamboo. Wait, this guy is lying down on his back in the middle of a bamboo grove, in a suit? And then a dog runs by? Who knew then that those two questions were a mere couple of minutes of “Huh?” in what was to become six years of “WTF?!?!?!?” By the time this (for the moment) nameless character follows the sounds and makes his way to the chaos of the plane crash on the beachfront, I know, and many will agree when I say, it was not just Jack Shepard’s eyes that were opened.

To date, still the most expensive pilot episode in television history, LOST captured my attention from Day One. I have loved television shows before LOST and I’m sure will love some future shows, but I seriously doubt that anything, ANYTHING, will ever come near to matching the unique viewing experience of the past six years that has been LOST.

For me, the brilliance of this show was not just in the amazing character development or the unique imaginative and downright insane story lines. Nor was it its amazing ability to give us questions that beget questions that beget questions. Like the survivors them selves, LOST took a most unusual disparate hodge-podge of people, who would have never in a million years have gotten together on their own, and created a community. Yes, a few friends and family have joined to watch a favored television show, but never on this scale. The instant camaraderie of strangers at major sporting events is the closet you can come to explain the immediate kinship between fans of LOST.

Flashback to 2006, The NYC LOST Meetup Group, of which I’m a proud member, was formed with maybe a dozen members at the first event. Twelve people who had nothing in common other than a love for a very unique, discombobulated, incredible show. After season three (admittedly the weakest season of the series), if anyone asked me what was going on in a disparaging tone of voice, I knew I had a non-fan in my midst and would refuse to answer. I’m not going to waste minutes of my life trying to explain a show as justification as to why I love it so much because someone else simply doesn’t “get it”.

It is spotting someone wearing a t-shirt with the numbers 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 across the front and and immediately smiling. Being a LOST fan is being in an awesome (and yes, proudly geeky) club that only other fellow Losties can appreciate. It is akin to the self-satisfied, near smug look two Mac users will give to each other when in a coffee bar surrounded by PC users. The “we’re a part of something special and they they’re not” feeling. And just like a Mac or a PC, you either loved it or hated it, there was no middle ground. Now, flash-forward to this past Sunday (May 23, 2010). I left a wedding reception, with a friend, to hop a train and go to a bar to join about 150 other NYC LOST Meetup group members at a private event to watch the series finale. Yes, an entire bar was rented just to watch a TV show? -as I’m sure the non-fans rolling their eyes derisively are thinking, Yes, yes I did, and am damned happy about it. LOST dared to give viewers an unexpected look into being human, while also incorporating many religious, philosophical, and metaphysical themes in a way that was unique, insightful, and fun. It has set such a high standard that very few will be able to match in quality.

I admit while I still have so many questions wanting answers; I was in no way disappointed in how it all unfolded. The show was always about the characters, and then the overall mythology. Myths have the power they do because there is something about them that always remains something of a mystery. Even while exposing certain truths all myths still belie concrete logic at some level; but it doesn’t make the story being told any less interesting for it. This myth, this fairytale, this “what the hell was that?” versus the “Oh, that’s it!” is what kept us coming back week after week after week. That is what the writers and creators chose to focus on in closing out the finale season, and it works for me.

Was it a complete surprise to learn that despite all our vast theories of a sideways time line / alternate reality, all that really happened was the characters were in some sort of spiritual purgatory/limbo on the island until they resolved their myriad individual inner conflicts and could move on? In hindsight, not at all.

Granted the show left a lot up to the viewer’s interpretation, and that’s fine. I think the alternate reality was their moment to connect before they finally “moved on” to whatever place their spiritual beliefs dictate. One of the most obvious clues to this went right over my head from the beginning; the name of Jack’s father, Christian Shephard and the characters’ final meeting in a church. As Kate said, “That’s his name? Really?” There were several “D’oh!” smacking hands upside heads sounds as it all made perfect sense in that moment.

The plane crashed and everyone died, the “survivors” simply weren’t aware of it yet and were stuck in a limbo somewhere in between good and evil. All of the passengers had their personal demons within from their past lives, thus the flashbacks to tell their stories. In the end, they all found their way upon realizing that they had actually died. When John Locke finally let go, he was made instantly whole because he was already dead…he just needed to realize it to make it to the other side, and this other side was timeless. As Jack’s father stated “There is no NOW here.” Even for Hurley and Ben, who obviously were the island’s guardians for who knows how long, “when” they died — didn’t matter. This “moment” is very much in tune with Christian views where you will meet your loved ones again. Once they realized they were in fact dead, they could all be at Jack’s “funeral” at the same timeless, because Jack was the connection between all of them.

Over all, I thought the finale was excellent and confirmed that the heart of “LOST” was always about the characters, not the island. Even in the flash sideways timeline where the plane landed safely in LAX, the characters’ lives were destined to overlap. Finally, the closing scene was pure magic, with Jack’s eye closing in the same spot in which he found himself after the crash, with Vincent by his side. I am still processing the finale, but at this point, I feel that the show was a fantastic six-year journey and a welcomed oasis in the desert of prime time network television. I may not have seen eye-to-eye with many of the theories/assumptions/hopes that spun during its run. But to paraphrase an infamous John Locke line “I saw into the eye of the show and it was beautiful”

…And we’re back to the eye; the eye of Dr. Jack Shepard, as it slowly closes in the same bamboo grove in which we, the viewers, first laid eyes on him six seasons ago. I remember just as I was thinking damn the man who coined “lived together or die alone” is going to die alone, is when the dog Vincent comes and lays beside Jack as life fades from our hero and the screen fades to black. Even if they didn’t like it, few can deny that this was a fitting -if very predictable- end to this, amazing, wonderful, brilliant six-year mind-fuck of a show known as “LOST”…

See you in another life, brother. Namaste.

LOST: Jack's eye - closed

National Poetry Month: The Family That…

 

Innocence
Trapped by danger’s sweet fragrance
Lust of thus oozed from my pores
Became yours at soul’s expense

At first kind
Cleaving to the ties that bind
Couldn’t see the seeds planted
Enchanted, my eyes were blind

Slowly thus
Your love a snake venomous
The intent as sheer as glass
Only I passed your litmus

Blood’s imbrue
Its desires call me too
In moderation, I know
It is so, I’ve become you

Puppeteer
In your hand for uses queer
Evil once ne’er dreamed to do
Now like you I find I sneer

Purity
That is what you once called me
Only on death we gain it back
With life’s lack, it comes to be

Come my blade
With you I’m all I’ve been made
Gleaming crimson from our gut
Final cuts, our dues are paid

So we lay
It has come to this last day
Laugh at your look of surprise
Evil dies, we pass away

My Sin

‘Then have my lips the sin that they have took.
Sin from my lips?
O trespass sweetly urged!
Give me my sin again.’

– William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

i bask in the feel of silk across my eyes
i feel Him come so close then walk away
A teasing touch, but one that causes sighs
He knows i pray that this time He will stay
i arch my back with all that it implies
He reads me well i am His open book
He opens a window making me shiver against my will
Under the autumn’s breath He knows i can’t keep still
He parts me with blunt threats to more than look
Then have my lips the sin that they have took.

Whispering that only i make Him yearn
i know the svelte voice misleads
It’s an unexpected pleasantry i earn
Flechettes, blades, ben-wah beads
His tirade wicked and wondrous in turn
As i, His personal armiger do equip
His tastes for things shiny and steel
Their icy touch a torture surreal
Halts a Freudian slip
Sin from my lips?

It’s me He chooses first to disrobe
A weakness rarely on display
A hard pinch to already tender globes
Signals it’s one for which i must pay
Oooohhhh! He increases the speed to the probe
To the point where nice and naughty converge
Yes i do accept the blame
When His sacrosanct name
Is moaned in passion’s surge
O trespass sweetly urged!

And as His desire burns faster
Mine is halted as His get
Stark and hard He is my Master
Pliant and supple, i am His pet
His liquid heat drips as blessed oil from pastor
But my crescendo He orders to abstain
i tremble for failing Him won’t endear
With a brute mercy He releases me from my fear
Until naught but unrepentant memories remain
Give me my sin again

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Glosa form with borrowed lines from you know who.

The glosa is a Spanish form that also works well in English.   Glosas open with a quatrain from another poet, called the cabeza, followed by four ten-line stanzas terminating with the lines of the initial cabeza in consecutive order.  The sixth and ninth lines of each stanza rhyme with the borrowed tenth line and is the only required rhyme of the poem. There is no set meter or syllable count for a Glosa, however, a good flow is always recommended.
Submitted to:

Thursdays Poets’ Rally Week 44 ( May 19 – May 25, 2011)

Mr. Palmer

Artwork: The Single Man — Gerhard Haderer

Did she make you mad?
Again?
An object of ridicule?
Again?
Did she leave her sad taint upon you?
Again?

Come get me.

I am there…
There whenever,
There wherever,
There whatever.

I’m not gallant,
I just know what you need.

Come get me.

For I know you
All of you,
Inside and out
To the letter “T”
I’ve known you before
The last one
During this one
And perhaps
After the next one

From your junior
’Till when
You’re much elder
It’s how we
Connect.

Come get me.

I’ve seen
Sides of you
No one’s ever seen
I hear you cry
And when you scream
You know
I don’t care.
I won’t
Imbrue you with
Needless guilt.

Come get me.

In joy
In anger
Or when
You just need
To take
Some of the edge off
When feeling
Awry.

Come get me.

And when you’re done
Spent, lying back in repose
I’ll go back,
Back to the shadows
From whence I came,
Until the next need
When you’re pressed to be

Happy again

I’ll be ready for you
Always
Or at least
As long as
Your arm holds out

Come get me

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Submitted for:
Jingle Poetry – Pot Luck:
Week 46 | Love and its not being there.

I’m pretty damned sure this not what was expected when the subject of “Love and its not being there…” was thought up for this week’s Pot Luck, but.. it does fit the bill * wicked grin *

First Feelings Part II (The Reality)

It was mine.

It was mine to give
to the one I chose.
Instead it was taken,
forever from my grasp.

Stole the most valuable item
That this fifteen year old possessed.

It was mine.
It was suppose to be a gift.

Somewhere out there
the potential recipient
knows not what was lost.

It was mine.
He stole my gift.

I had visions on how it
would one day be given.

It was mine.
He stole my dream.

For years what I gave
could never bring
me happiness.
It wasn’t The gift.

It was mine.
He stole my joy.

I should be able to reminisce
fondly when girl talk
falls to that time
but I remain quiet.

It was mine.
He stole my memories.

A stranger made himself familiar
in a place he should have never known.

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dVerse Meeting the Bar ~ Symbolism