Tag Archives: humor

Aaarrrgggh!

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aarrgh

I missed posting yesterday. How did it happen? And so early in the challenge to boot? I woke up with the intent to post. I even had a couple of ideas on things to post. Then I was reminded yesterday was International Women’s Day.

Wait… what?  I knew it was Women’s History Month, but how did the day itself totally slip my radar?

Argh!

Now I wanted to write something for the day. I even found a great graphic to open with – so what happened? Oh, that thing called my job *queue echo chamber*. The errands I ran during lunch, that would have been my time to work on the challenge. The much needed snooze I took on the train ride home where I remembered I promised to drop by my sister and check her computer. Only to receive a text from my brother, who did something to his computer and needed my to check it. Yes, I’m the family  tech support – don’t ask.  I know the drill – I will have no peace until the issues are resolved. Just go get it done, Rai.

Aarrgh!

All done with everyone else I walk into my door and see the mounds of  laundry that had been put off for too long and were sorted last night before I went to bed waiting to be washed. This was ridiculous. I had to get at least one dang load done before anything else right? Right.  But wait, why do I have a headache – oh I’m hungry. Why am I hungry? I had a cup of soup for lunch before errands. That was only six-seven hours ago. Really Raivenne?  A. Cup. Of. Soup. Six-Seven. Hours. Ago.

Aarrggh!

My cousin picked a perfect time to call offering dinner. I had actually declined because I knew if I left the house nothing else was getting done.  Bless his heart he brought it to me. Yes! A load of laundry is in the machine, it’s not even 10pm, I will eat and I will get to writing – perfect.

I woke up after 2am.

Are you kidding me! My partially consumed dinner on the table in front of me, wet laundry still in the washing machine waiting to be hung.  Yet what was my first thought – “Dammit I didn’t post!”  Come on say it with me people…

Aarrgghh!

So today I post on how I did not post yesterday. I pick up my pen, turn it into pixels, cross fingers it does not happen again and keep on writing, but as for yesterday…

Wooden stamp with failed word

Aaarrrggghhh!

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Let’s see how others are getting through this Day 9 of the challenge:

sol

Slice of Life Writing Challenge – Day 9 – Two Writing Teachers

Oh Cap’n My Cap’n

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The captain is dead, he is no more 
His boxed life wasted 
His crunchy remains

Scattered

Across the tile floor 
I should be sore

But instead I’m done in
By a toddling perp
Who knows not his sin
Munching
With that drooling
Cereal killer 
Grin

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Putting a memory to grin with a Quadrille…

dverse

dVerse ~ Poets Pub | Quadrille – 4

Chick Please

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I wear pantsuits for work, or at least dress slacks and a nice top. I dress womanly, feminine, but not necessarily girlie. That’s just not my everyday style. Generally, I’m a jeans and tee-shirt kind of gal.

But every now this thankfully only for a day-maybe two-phase comes over me where I want to wear a dress, curl my hair, put on make-up, yeah all the accoutrements involved.

It’s extra work and ninety percent of the time I think the only people who get it are those who know me well enough to appreciate the phenomena for what it is.  I refer to that as The Girl Won. Where the feminine aspect of me decidedly takes over my psyche and I’m going to dress like a girl today whether I like it or not. This morning was one of those mornings.

I had laid out my clothes for work last night. Jeans, because it will be casual Friday at work, (where even my boss will come in jeans and a sweatshirt now and then), my nice white and black blouse, my cropped black jacket… You know, lighter than professional casual but not I’m going to a picnic after work casual. I mean everything down to my lingerie was planned out for this morning. So why is it when I woke and looked at it hanging on the door my thought was uh no! ?

Aw crap The Girl woke up, noooo!

Sometimes I can fake her out, put on the clothes I initially chose anyway, just bling it out more than usual and she’s consoled enough to take it. I knew within fifteen minutes of clothing changes, there was no consoling her. Nothing I put on looked good to me until I pulled on the sweater dress.

Yup it was going to be a girl day. I could feel it – the whole kit and kaboodle was happening this morning. Hell the dress even has minute lines of pink in it! I conceded to defeat.

To add the true annoyance factor I stepped outside to snow.

Are you kidding me chick? You couldn’t have kicked in yesterday when the sun was out so bright, I needed sunglasses? No you show up today when there’s snow on the ground.

Yeah, that was my inner dialogue with my feminine side who pretty much shushed me with the reminder that it’s only snowing this morning. It will stop later and I will be looking great.

Ugh, Chick please, shut up!

I hate her, but she’s right, I do look great.  Happy Friday!

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Let’s see how others are slicing it up this Friday…

sol

Slice of Life Challenge – Day 4 | Two Writing Teachers

Verbal Diarrhea Diaries: Open Mouth Prove Stupid

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Verbal Diarrhea Diaries: Why I try to keep my earbuds in as long as possible while riding mass transit so exchanges like this are less likely to happen when I forget I’m not wearing shades to hide my eyes:

1. Every fat, black woman whose name you don’t know or can’t remember is *not* “Precious”.

2. The actress’ name who portrayed Precious is Gabourey Sidibe.

3. The name of the character Ms. Sidibe portrays on “Empire” is Becky.

4. Clearly you’ve forgotten that “Precious” was raped by own her father.

5. Therefore it was “Becky” having consensual sex on the show. Not Precious and not Gabourey.

Thus your exclamation of “Oh gurl, you shoulda seen Precious gettin’ it on like she think she be the real Precious like you know” displays ignorance on multiple levels and why I’m “lookin’ at choo like youse stupid.”

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Yes, the entire mini-tirade above was my response to being asked “Why you lookin’ at me like I’s stupid?” by the young lady who made the statement. I don’t think she actually expected me to answer her when I caught her off guard and responded with “Do you really want me to answer that?” and then took her to school Julia Sugarbaker style.

Let’s see how others are slicing it this week.

Slice of Life writing Challenge: Two Writing Teachers

Slice of Life - Two Writing Teachers

 

Adventures in Eavesdropping while Dining…

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It’s 4:30 in the afternoon. A few friends and I are having a nosh at a local diner when the following unfolds at an adjacent table…

Woman: How is your mac & cheese made, is it baked or…?

(Menu states baked mac & cheese, by the way, I was enjoying the dish as this unfolded.)

Waiter (clearly perplexed by her what color is George Washington’s white horse type question): It’s baked.

Woman: Is it good?

(Because a waiter is ever going to tell her it’s the most foul stuff on earth, even if it’s the absolute truth.)

Waiter: Honestly, I’ve never had it (Wait what?)

Woman: Never had it here or ever? (Okay, an unusual, but valid question.)

Waiter: Ever.

(Yes, I clutched my imaginary pearls. And then went all “I’m Sorry Miss Jackson” Ever, ever? Ever? in my mind. )

Woman: Should I chance it?

Waiter (deadpan): Well, I haven’t seen it kill anyone – yet. (Yes, he had a dramatic pause.)

Of course that would be the moment I choke on my mac & cheese. No, I mean, full-fledged water streaming from my eyes, pounding on my back, drawing all attention in the diner choke.

Woman (understanding that it’s their exchange that has caused the choke): Sounds delicious, I’ll have it.

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Let’s see how others are slicing it up….

Slice of Life Challenge : Two Writing Teachers

Slice of Life - Two Writing Teachers

Verbal Diarrhea Diaries: Strike Three You’re Dumb?

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So this conversation happened on Facebook…

S: How do seedless grapes grow if there are no seeds to plant?

D: Graphing

S: And that is…?

Rai Venne: Taking the cut of one plant and attaching it to another plant, keeping the newly attached plant alive and growing. Think of it like organ donation where the host body accepts the new organ.

S: Ahhh. Makes sense. I know it was a dumb question but I had to ask it at one point in my life! Thanks Rai!

Rai Venne: It’s not a dumb question, if it gains you knowledge. (Unless you ask it more than thrice, then it’s not that question that’s dumb – lol). :p 🙂

S: Lol. Good thing I retain info pretty well in my old age. But I can’t guarantee I won’t ask 100 more times when I’m 90! I think it’s allowed then, right?

Rai Venne: Absolutely!

grapes

Even at 90 if you’re learning it all over again – you can still learn something new every day.

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Slice of Life: Two Writing Teachers

Slice of Life - Two Writing Teachers

Verbal Diarrhea Diaries – Let Me Count…

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In dVerse ~Poets Pub the conversation was about September and how it was going so far. In my narcissistic mind it came out as asking what do I love about the month and responded accordingly. I place my response here with a few more additions and… well you’ll understand soon enough.

What do I love most about September? Hmmm… Let me count the ways.

* After a long hot summer with no official days off since July 4th here in the U.S., it begins with a three-day weekend holiday (Labor Day).
* It’s my birthday month!
* FOOTBALL (Are you ready for some? I am! Go Giants!)
* It’s my birthday month!
* Autumn, my favorite season, begins.
* It’s my birthday month!
* Though my commute slows down because of it – the kids go back to school.
* It’s my birthday month!
* I get to start wearing some of my favorite cool weather outfits again.
* It’s my birthday month!
* The U.S. Open is back.
* It’s my birthday month!

* At month’s end I’ll get to hang out and party with some insanely fun people.

* It’s my birthday month!
* My annual three-week vacation starts soon. Oh! And did I mention…
* It’s my birthday month!!
🎶 These are a few of my favorite things… ! ♬
Happy September People!

I’ve Gotta Be Me

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I informed a colleague last week, that there is very little that I cannot somehow smutty up without even trying hard, case in point a call with a bank…

Bank Operator (with one killer baritone): Good Morning, welcome to X Bank. My name is Joe and what can I do to give you outstanding service this morning?

No seriously, the man had a voice. Now I know the emphasis on “outstanding” is part of the telephone script spiel, but the way he delivers the line? Dang.

And just like that, I’m off.

Me (with my never far from dirty, but now pure gutter mind for that voice, is remembering to behave): Well regrettably there’s nothing you can do for me Joe, however you can make *Name on Debit Card in My Hand* very happy. I found the card on the subway platform and I’m sure *Name* would appreciate knowing it’s not just floating out there.

Joe: Oh! Well that’s very nice of you to report it in. Let me check the system; what is the number on the card?

Me (in best professional voice – I said I was trying to behave wasn’t I?):*card number*

Joe: Thank you, one moment please…

I grab my scissors out of the drawer while I wait because I know what’s coming next.

Joe: Yes, I have it. Again I would like to thank you for calling this in; that was very nice of you to do. As for the card…

Me (interrupting): I know, I know. I’m taking scissors to it as we speak and will drop it in the shredder for confetti making in a moment.

Joe: Okay. Thank you. Is that all Miss… (he realizes I never gave my name and quickly sallies forth) or is there anything I can do for you?

Oh and there goes that dang emphasis again.

Me (not entirely joking): Read the phone book or 50 Shades or… oh never mind.

Joe (definitely laughing): Wow it’s only Monday morning and not even nine o’clock.

Me (behaving myself thrown out of the window): Right, as though you’ve never talked dirty on the phone first thing on a Monday morning before. You’ve given outstanding oral service today, Joe. You have an excellent day.

Joe (barely keeping the amusement out of his voice): And you as well, thank you for using X Bank.

Me (stage whisper): Not the way I’d like to use you and your voice right now.

I hang up the phone to the sound of much chuckling on the other end.

I gotta be me, I gotta be meeeeee 

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Let’s see how the others are slicing it this Tuesday…

Slice of Life : Two Writing Teachers

Slice of Life : Two Writing Teachers

 

The Power of Speech

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At six I didn’t sleep for over a week
Fear of being damned for a kiss on the cheek
Words my pastor were constant to preach
Ah yes, the power of speech

Working for my degree made my nerves fry
Kept hearing the words “It never fails to try”
Encouragement is a subject not required to teach
Ah yes, the power of speech

Her beauty takes my breath away
“Nice boobs” was all I thought to say
Her slap corrected that social breach
Ah yes, the power of speech

Two years later I have a different surprise
The diamond of intent bringing tears to her eyes
“Yes” brings in a star once out of my reach
Ah yes, the power of speech

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dVerse ~ Poets Pub | Open Link Night : Week 153

Verbal Diarrhea Diaries: Toot

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Verbal Diarrhea Diaries aka the crap that comes out of my mouth sometimes that surprises even me.

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A little ego tripping twixt myself and a recent attendee of one of my classes with whom a fun rapport developed via email exchange.

Me:  Weren’t you supposed to email me and remind me to send you this information?

Erstwhile Student:  I had full faith in you that you would remember 😉 Thanks for a seriously awesome training day! You rock…but I’m sure you already knew that.

Me:  * clutches pearls and gasps *

Why, it would be far too immodest of me to self-accolade in such an unseemly manner! I cannot openly concede the methodical superiority in which trainings held under my exacting tutelage are conducted. It would merely serve to further exemplify the depth of all other instructors lacking and that is unkind and unfair.  Luckily, I’m not fair, kind or modest and the horn in which I personally toot is often of a decibel suitable to guide coastal ships in inclement weather.  😉

Besides, the class is only is good as the attendees, many thanks to you for being an equally awesome student.

Erstwhile Student:  LOL! Oh, if only an eighth of my technical classes were even half  as entertaining as yours. Thanks!

Note to my fellow trainers, instructors and teachers reading this. JUST KIDDING!!!!  As I said ego tripping, but it is always wonderful to receive such emails acknowledging your work.

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Let’s see how others are slicing through their Tuesday…

Slice of Life : Two Writing Teachers

Slice of Life - Two Writing Teachers