I informed a colleague last week, that there is very little that I cannot somehow smutty up without even trying hard, case in point a call with a bank…
Bank Operator (with one killer baritone): Good Morning, welcome to X Bank. My name is Joe and what can I do to give you outstanding service this morning?
No seriously, the man had a voice. Now I know the emphasis on “outstanding” is part of the telephone script spiel, but the way he delivers the line? Dang.
And just like that, I’m off.
Me (with my never far from dirty, but now pure gutter mind for that voice, is remembering to behave): Well regrettably there’s nothing you can do for me Joe, however you can make *Name on Debit Card in My Hand* very happy. I found the card on the subway platform and I’m sure *Name* would appreciate knowing it’s not just floating out there.
Joe: Oh! Well that’s very nice of you to report it in. Let me check the system; what is the number on the card?
Me (in best professional voice – I said I was trying to behave wasn’t I?):*card number*
Joe: Thank you, one moment please…
I grab my scissors out of the drawer while I wait because I know what’s coming next.
Joe: Yes, I have it. Again I would like to thank you for calling this in; that was very nice of you to do. As for the card…
Me (interrupting): I know, I know. I’m taking scissors to it as we speak and will drop it in the shredder for confetti making in a moment.
Joe: Okay. Thank you. Is that all Miss… (he realizes I never gave my name and quickly sallies forth) or is there anything I can do for you?
Oh and there goes that dang emphasis again.
Me (not entirely joking): Read the phone book or 50 Shades or… oh never mind.
Joe (definitely laughing): Wow it’s only Monday morning and not even nine o’clock.
Me (behaving myself thrown out of the window): Right, as though you’ve never talked dirty on the phone first thing on a Monday morning before. You’ve given outstanding oral service today, Joe. You have an excellent day.
Joe (barely keeping the amusement out of his voice): And you as well, thank you for using X Bank.
Me (stage whisper): Not the way I’d like to use you and your voice right now.
I hang up the phone to the sound of much chuckling on the other end.
I gotta be me, I gotta be meeeeee
Let’s see how the others are slicing it this Tuesday…