One Hand

Old Man in Window
The stories of the street are mine, the Spanish voices laugh.
The Cadillacs go creeping now through the night and the poison gas,
and I lean from my window sill in this old hotel I chose,
yes one hand on my suicide, one hand on the rose.
~ Leonard Cohen (The Stories of the Street)

I spy out my window, pan the changed neighborhood
And decided all this change is not for the better
Variety has its place, yes, that’s understood
But it suits neither me nor my aging setter
And I’d change it all back, if only I could
Tales of old I tell to ones who know not hoe from staff
With cheeky little chuckles some listen to my lore
others, not so politely pretend not to snore
All too quick to set upon any misspoken gaff
The stories of the street are mine, the Spanish voices laugh

In my country youth we rode the roads on horse
Potential fertilizer the only cause for alarm
Yes there were the rich who had cars of course
But that was a life far from my sharecropper farm
Get through the toils of the day our driving force
But a bend of brutal winter came to pass
And my quiet country road became a bustling city street
With days filled of noise glaze the tons of people to meet
Fragrant airy fields gone as different scents amass
The Cadillacs go creeping now through the night and the poison gas

Not to say this city life did not have its good days
you’d note me as a liar if I told you so
It has been no bed of roses as the old folks say
But there are sweet things I’ve come to know
Oats have I sown in many ways
Yes, I’ve known my measure of passion’s throes
I’ve rented flats and owned several places
But with time and finances I’ve lost those spaces
My remaining sunset days spent in SROs
And I lean from my window sill in this old hotel I chose

Some concern fills my advancing years
As I outlive those who knew me well
The ones who get my sudden laughter and tears
Without a long explanation to tell
Only my Josie’s left to indent my fears
But even the end of her dog’s life draws nigh and so it goes
As I enjoy the lovely flower paid to entertain my night
I eye the bottle on dresser barely seen in the dim light
And I oscillate between my joys and my woes
Yes, one hand on my suicide, one hand on the rose.

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Entered in:


Thursday Poets Rally – Week 45

What’s next, Ku Klux Klan Week?

http://www.cnn.com/2010/POLITICS/04/07/virginia.confederate.history/index.html?hpt=T2

Seriously? Seriously?

Last month Virginia Gov. McDonnell made a proclamation to designate the month of April as Confederate History Month in Virginia. If that alone was not enough to ignite some tension in the US, the governor then added insult to potential injury, by totally omitting any reference to one of the main reasons Confederacy came to existence in the first place — slavery.

The attempt to omit any acknowledgment of the role of slavery, during a proclamation to celebrate the Confederacy, is insulting to say the very least. It would be akin to Germany wanting to hold a Shutzstaffel (more commonly known as the SS) or Swastika Celebration without acknowledging the Holocaust.

Granted this is not the first time the state of Virginia has placed this proclamation. It also is not the only southern state to do so. This is the first time any proclamation not only ignored slavery but, in this case, also white-washed the brutality of the Confederacy in the immediate years following the Civil War. It is revisionist history at its finest.

Yes, the Confederacy is very much a part of the South’s heritage, and we (Americans) acknowledge it happened. However, I do not see the need to have an entire month dedicated to it. Hell, Black History Month only has 28 days, 29 on leap years, in which to celebrate. Confederate History Month will have 30 days guaranteed. I’m sorry but there is something wrong with this beyond mere arithmetic.

Did McDonnell really, I mean really, think he would get away with it in the first place? Of course not! So whose ass was he pretending to (or perhaps outright) kissing, knowing he would have to change the verbiage?

As expected, the Governor was called to task on the omission by various groups, for reasons ranging from racial, to political and just down right insensitivity. Gov. McDonnell has since issued an apology for the omission and has stated that new language will be added to the proclamation to include slavery. Sorry, it’s too much, too little, too late motherfucker. It’s using the lube after the screwing.

I can acknowledge the Confederacy. I don’t think twice about it, as I see the Confederate flag waving proudly from various front porches, when I travel south. Maybe it’s the residue of my very southern (and yes, very racist) mother’s words still rattling in some far corner of my mind from when I was growing up but, some things just should not be “celebrated”. A part of me can’t help but wonder…

What’s next, Ku Klux Klan week?

November 18, 1978

April is National Poetry Month. Today is a not so gentle reminder of why we should not forget out past. So I won’t end with “Enjoy!” as I usually do. This time I’ll say “Remember!”

November 18, 1978

Morning dawns anew upon a utopia time
A place filled with fluffy white cloud skies
No poverty or hunger or the slightest crime
Where no one ever hurts and no one ever cries

A special place where all can belong
Where God is followed and faith so strong

Built on the words of a charming teacher
Very few noticed beneath the sheen
Of the dashing, dark-haired preacher
Was the susurrus of something mean

A ‘Peoples Temple’ built for equality, tranquility
Headed by a monster of no comparability

But just as all seems right in the dawn
Utopia shatters and blood falls like rain
Sweet cyanide sips are over 900 gone
Bodies die writhing and screaming in pain

In the end the ugly truth is passed
among all the dead bodies amassed

Many simply drank if their faith was true
Or were met with murderous fusillade
But why did the babies have to die to
In the service of this monster’s façade?

Some survived to find their own truth
Forever scarred by the ashes of youth

All they wanted was an earthly paradise
With races coexisting side by side
Who could have ever known the price
Would be one of genocide

Nearly forgotten shadows of a madman’s fate
Jonestown, November 18, 1978

Jonestown massacre 1978
[Bodies at the Jonestown compound under a sign that reads:
‘Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it’]

In case some forgot, never heard of, or were not old enough to know about, the Rev. Jim Jones and the horror of what happened in Jonestown, Guyana, November of 1978, don’t worry; man definitely finds a way of letting bad history repeat. David Koresh and the Branch Davidian massacre in Waco, Texas, was twenty years ago in 1993. If you don’t know/remember either event, tick…tick…tick….
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dVerse ~ Poets Pub | Meeting the Bar: The Unfathomable

I Won’t Grow Up! (Until I have to!)

Tarred, no. Feathered, yes.

5th Annual NYC Pillow Fight 2010 — Feathered yes; tarred no.

Bioluminesence

Glo-in-the-dark body paint and hair doo-dads at Bioluminescence II – 2010

Slash Santa Domme 2009

Santa Domme & “Rudy” at SantaCon NYC 2009

In case you’re having any questions as to what the heck that is in my hair in the first pictures, yes, it’s feathers.  Considering how much my hair looks like a bird’s nest in the picture, isn’t it appropriate? The feathers are the end results of being a participant in the International Pillow Fight Day 2010 – NYC, held last Saturday.  Yes, I said international. For something that started as an urban underground flash mob, years ago, it has now gained global recognition.  Therefore, I’m happy to say all the feathers in my hair came from nice clean pillows (oh dear God, I hope so, eewwwww! :D!).

In the second picture, my hair is adorned with bright blue curls and hair baubles painted with neon paints designed to glow under ultra-violet light.  It was part of a water fairy costume for Bioluminescence II. Bioluminescence, a fundraiser for Burning Man, is a theme of aquatic, glowing and illuminated figures and art, an exploration of the crossroads bio and technological.  It is inspired by those deep-sea creatures who make their own light in the murky depths inspiring us toward aquatic or illuminated costume in a black light flooded venue. Essentially, it was a really cool rave party on a boat!

The third picture is from Santacon 2009. WTF is Santacon do you ask?  From their official website: “SantaCon is a not-for-profit, non-political, non-religious & non-logical Santa Claus convention, attended for absolutely no reason.”  Aka a few hundred people dress up as various themed Santas and run amok in NYC (and other cities globally) during the Christmas season.

Yes, I am in my mid 40s, this year I cross over into being officially in my late 40s, go figure.

Nothing like hanging out with my BFF (I’m delightfully imagining a capillary bursting as she groans from reading that BFF part – oops, I just did it again.) and participating in a mass outdoor public pillow fight. Or as I nicely phrased it in my Facebook photo album “The annual gathering of people granted permission to wallop the living daylights out of each other for three hours, with no hard feelings afterward.”  Yes, the crowd was predominantly mid 20s- 30s. Still, there was a sprinkling of actual children there. Such as this adorable little tyke, who could not have been more than six years old.  He was defending his daddy from all on comers, and let me tell you, that sweet-faced cherub could pack a freaking wallop!!   There were also senior citizens in attendance, and I mean that in the nicest way possible.  My favorite was the gentleman, who was at least sixty years of age, showing some whippersnappers the proper way to deliver a body shot with his pillow. He took a twenty year old clean off his feet, it was, awesomesauce! I can’t remember the last time, I laughed so hard! Whenever folks ask when will I grow up and start acting my age, I’m going to remember this guy.

After all, who in the hell said, once you reach whatever age some forms of fun must stop? I fully believe we don’t stop having fun because we grow old, we grow old because we stop having fun. I mean real fun!  I mean the sweaty dirty, exhausting, totally unafraid to look completely ridiculous type of fun.  Why do people look back upon childhood with such fondness? Because children don’t have a fear of being dirty. Or looking silly.  If it’s fun, it’s fun and you can’t tell them what’s fun, they know it when they feel it.  So while my being all dolled-up for Marjorie’s wedding two years ago was very enjoyable, bringing 6’7″ groomsman Derrick down to his knees in a game of full-on tackle during the outdoor reception afterward (still dressed in our wedding finery mind you!), was FUN!

It amuses me to no end that the people, who question why I do such immature (by their standards), things at my age, are often the same people who wonder why I have such a youthful spirit.  Hello? Put it together people!  Let that rocking chair gather a little more dust while I’m scavenger hunting at The Met. If I’m physically able to do something, without harming myself, I am going do it.  God willing, I will reach a point in my life, where I will have to rest up more and play hard less, but I’m not there yet.   So yes, I’m still finding feathers in my hair after shampooing, so what? I had a heck of a lot of fun, with a heck of a lot of people. What did you do for fun?

By Friendly Hand

My large beauty
My ethnic birth
Female I am

All mocked cruelly
In brutal words
Spoken so quick

The flip remark
Said upon lark
Really did hurt

And did begin
A vicious rend
Upon my soul

My poise shaken
I’d never think
Because of you

The shot fired
By friendly hand
Hurting much more

Than the exact
Same something by
Strangers that pass

That you’re clueless
To meanings dealt
Under the joke

Give scant solace
To feelings hurt
Deeply in me

Steps to repair
The friendship torn
Begun by you

Yet to forgive
Then forget this
Really is hard

Where to begin
In healing such
Haven’t a clue

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Today’s form? A Novem

National Poetry Month: All For Not Knowing

April is National Poetry Month, so each day I will post poems that I have written. Enjoy!

All For Not Knowing

We met at the worst I thought I could be
After my life was crossed by a rouge star
Life between the worst and the best to come
I hike my joy on our mock verbal spars
Such was the mode of our sharp biting wit
Mine under the belt, and yours just bizarre
Crossed that line between acquaintance and friend
All for not knowing how far was too far
Ache held tight to my emotional cage
Still half living inside a past memoir
Knew my pain gave nix but a rough sketch of me
In time drained the hurt of that soul deep scar
“There’s no place like home” said with arms held wide
And I opened mine too, we were on par
Crossed that line past friend but not to lovers
All for not knowing how far was too far
Seemed that Fate was not quite through with me yet
And released the hold to stability’s bar
A new fix of hell crashed through my soul’s gate
My path, once clear, now so muddied and marred
Too much too handle you turned tail and ran
Showing exactly the colors you are
Crossed that line between true friend and just friend
All for not knowing how far was too far
Letting slack what you once begged to hold tight
As I needed you more than gold to czars
The sun sets shadows on what you can’t give
You withdrew from me as though I’m eschar
Where to go when home is now closed to me
With no chance of door being left ajar
Thus crossed that fine line between bend and break
All for not knowing how far was too far

I Am Ready

Next month, May, will be the fourth anniversary of my being totally on my own. In the craziness of these past few years of changes in my life, I was so involved in just getting through each moment; I was totally blind-sided by something I had never really felt before… Loneliness.

I didn’t truly realize what it was until I found myself being very envious of a friend who was in the process of buying a home with his partner. I found myself thinking at he’ll have someone with him. That is when it hit me; it was one of the many little things I miss. The lightening speed, rapier sharp jibes and verbal sparring that were a staple of my home where it seemed even the dog had a smart remark (rebark?) at well opportune times. That knowing someone else was home.

Until then I have never been on my own. I did not have the college living on own or even dormitory experience. I went from living with my parents to living with my husband and children. Even if I was in the apartment/house by myself for a time, there is still that sense of knowing someone will be coming home soon enough. There was an odd sense of security in that which staved off true loneliness until now.

It took a while to reconcile the feeling of loneliness with the simple act being alone. I have friends old and new and   have been more active physically and in my spirit than I have been since my teens.  It helps keep me sane.  Still, the most fun day ever with friends cannot replace knowing there is a special someone.  And I do mean special, not a one-night stand, not a friend (or friends) with benefits.  A Special Someone just for me. Hell, even biblically, it seems we as humans have been indoctrinated to want to be with, to share with someone; after all it is not good for man to be alone and while being alone was not solely defined as having a partner, I can’t seem to help stop thinking in that direction of late.

Maybe it’s because it is spring and thoughts… well – you know…

Or maybe, just maybe,  I am ready for love (queue India.Arie)…

I Imagine A Day

.

You may say I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world will be as one
“Imagine” – John Lennon/Imagine

We walk down these busy roads
Each step met with some disdain
Yet we move along through the goad
For we’re still walking harsh terrain
We’ve made a choice in this workload
Not for the grind of the office screamer
We work with those whose hands lay
In not hiding what is during the day
Some may say I’m a schemer,
You may say I’m a dreamer

I was once completely battered
By words that should have been balm
Stung as my feelings hardly mattered
And all along I felt as tender
As a crystal ready to be shattered
Feels like I’m living a life undone
Pieces of my soul I imagine crying
With the all senseless lying
Built upon the company jargon
But I’m not the only one

Feeling the need to get it in gear,
Tired of being the ones just waiting
Let us get a few things clear
It’s time for action, no more debating,
Who else has had it up to here?
What’s with our happiness being zealous?
Why can’t we spread word of our joy?
Just another face as love’s envoy?
Yes, we’re causing more than a fuss,
I hope someday you’ll join us

Even knowing it’s a hard road to tread
I rather be weary with the fight for reason
For the company line leaves me emotionally dead
And I just can’t live with the social treason,
So, tell me, where do you wish this world to head?
Someday we’ll walk in peace under the sun
When the seeds of tolerance to bloom into reality
And there is a fighting chance for us you’ll see
For only then we’ll say our work is done
And the world will be as one

(For those still afraid to open the closet door, have faith, we’re working on it )

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dVerse ~ Poets Pub | Form for All: Paying Tribute, Page and the Glosa

And now what…?

I was putting out my garbage for the morning pickup when I heard all this ruckus going on behind me where my neighbor’s car is parked in a sort of open area between buildings used as  a driveway. It was seven teenaged-boys at least sixteen years of age fighting. Rather, I should say, four were throwing some serious punches; one was counting numbers and laughing at the fighting with another boy.  I was a little familiar with the basic concept of this. The ones doing the beating only had to the count of one hundred to do whatever they wanted to do to the one getting beat and then they had to stop. Depending on how much the one getting beat was disliked it could a semi-fast count or a really slow one.  If anything interrupted the fight, even if the count was already at ninety-nine, the count had to restart from the beginning. If the ones doing the beating had mercy they could choose to reduce the recount to fifty or twenty-five. My first thought was boys (even ones more than big enough to know better) will be boys.

It’s near 6pm in the evening; I didn’t see any one coming or going on my short block, I did not have my cell on me and above all I was out-numbered by males a lot younger than I. In all honesty , I wouldn’t have gotten involved at all except, this was happening on the property of my apartment building and they were too close to my neighbor’s car. There was a school yard a block away, if they wanted to fight over whatever stupidness it was about, take it over there. Then I saw the seventh one who was getting beat.

He was not a teenager; this boy could not have been older than twelve at the most.  The smallest of the teenagers doing the beating had a good six inches and at least twenty pounds on him and there were four of them.  At this point I forgot about my neighbor’s car. I was worried about the child balled up in a near-fetal position against the fence.

“What the hell are you doing? Get away from him!” I yelled. Luckily for the child the count had just reached a hundred and the teenager counting had called for the break before I yelled. My trying to help could have made it worse for him as I only remembered about the recount rule after I was back in my apartment.

“Yo, mind yo business!” The counter sucked his teeth.

“Boy, don’t even try to act all man up now. You and your friends are beating up on one child nearly half your age. You get no cred for that.” I stared him down, “Besides, you’re on my building property; it is my business.”

If he or his friends were going to say or do anything else; it was cut short by a teen-aged girl who appeared and called him stupid and pretty much said what I was saying.  However she said it, it was enough to get him to relent.  Just then, one of my other neighbors came running out brandishing a baseball bat, and stopped short when he saw me.  From the side window of his apartment he saw the four boys beating up on the one and came down for that, but I was in front of the building out of his line of vision,  he never saw me out there. Not that it would have stopped him.  We all gave each other evil stares as the five of the teenage boys and the girl passed, but no one said anything.  The fifth teenager was trying to help the kid, but drew back when the kid yelled to get the fuck off.  He and the sixth teenager stepped to the side as the boy came out. He was limping, and his face was going to be a series of bruises by the morning, but seemed otherwise alright. I started towards him, but he looked at me with such malice, I stepped back just as I felt my neighbor’s hand on my shoulder about to pull me back. We both watched as this boy limped away in the company of the last two teenager.  I’m not one hundred percent sure but, I believe as they passed, I heard one of the teenagers say to the other that the kid had guts and took it well.  Took it well? What the fuck? The beat down was on purpose?

I can’t swear on it, but I believe what I witnessed was something known as being “jumped in”.   This child purposely let himself get wailed on as a gang initiation rite. If this is true, I am even more scared of that child’s future than I was of what I saw.

Drenched In Rainy Day Memories…

A couple walks damp streets on a lovely early spring evening that has slowly segued into an equally lovely if rainy night. No rainy was not the right word. Misty; it was that misty rain that you could not see unless you were looking at the drops break the surface of whatever puddles have gathered about. Enough to make you wet if you stayed in it for any duration, yet not enough to warrant use of an umbrella. They talk, joke and tease, as any young couple still in the early stages will do as they learn about one another. On a twist of etiquette, she walks him home.  She convinces him that it was still early enough that she would be fine for the ten or so blocks from his place to hers. Still she promises to call once she’s home to assuage his fears. She is not going to be your average girl and he knows it. They exchange a brief kiss goodnight and he shakes his head musing on the role reversal as he heads in.

She walks a few yards when gut instinct alone makes her turn around suddenly. They both jump in surprise. He at quickness at which she spun on him and she at just how close he was to her before she sensed him. Hands in their respective pockets they stand close to each other, very close. Almost imperceptibly, their heads instinctively turn slightly askance as they lean into each other. Each feels the heat of the breath of the other play along their respective lips, but there is no other contact between them. They stay that way for a long moment, exchanging breaths, before leaning away. Somehow breathless from the exchange, the chill that runs down both spines had nothing to do with the mist falling upon their faces, gentle as the kiss they didn’t exchange. Eyes stare questioning and answering, answering and questioning in complete silence.  Finally, they both turn and walk to their respective homes.  Somehow they both knew, in that moment of saying nothing yet saying everything, they had just crossed that magical line past friendship into something much deeper and they were truly and completely fucked!

>|———-|<

Nearly a decade later, as Bill and I walked off the dance floor at a friend’s wedding, a cousin asks why did it always looked like we were making love when we were slow dancing. I, always the flippant one, quickly responded because we are. Our cousin looked at us befuddled before Bill continues on my comment by adding there are ways to make love that don’t involve sex; like kissing without kissing in a spring rain. I blinked and stared at him.  That night was something never before mentioned between us until just that moment. I honestly thought he had forgotten about it though, I guess, I should have known better. I blushed and then I grinned.  I have no idea what was the look that passed between he and I at that moment, but I do know our cousin sucked her teeth and walked away saying we needed to “get a room!”

>|———-|<

Sunday night as I walked home in an early spring misty rain, those two memories, now intertwined as one, came to me.  Now Monday morning, I am left to wonder if I will be blessed enough to feel anything even close to that ever again.