Next month, May, will be the fourth anniversary of my being totally on my own. In the craziness of these past few years of changes in my life, I was so involved in just getting through each moment; I was totally blind-sided by something I had never really felt before… Loneliness.

I didn’t truly realize what it was until I found myself being very envious of a friend who was in the process of buying a home with his partner. I found myself thinking at he’ll have someone with him. That is when it hit me; it was one of the many little things I miss. The lightening speed, rapier sharp jibes and verbal sparring that were a staple of my home where it seemed even the dog had a smart remark (rebark?) at well opportune times. That knowing someone else was home.

Until then I have never been on my own. I did not have the college living on own or even dormitory experience. I went from living with my parents to living with my husband and children. Even if I was in the apartment/house by myself for a time, there is still that sense of knowing someone will be coming home soon enough. There was an odd sense of security in that which staved off true loneliness until now.

It took a while to reconcile the feeling of loneliness with the simple act being alone. I have friends old and new and   have been more active physically and in my spirit than I have been since my teens.  It helps keep me sane.  Still, the most fun day ever with friends cannot replace knowing there is a special someone.  And I do mean special, not a one-night stand, not a friend (or friends) with benefits.  A Special Someone just for me. Hell, even biblically, it seems we as humans have been indoctrinated to want to be with, to share with someone; after all it is not good for man to be alone and while being alone was not solely defined as having a partner, I can’t seem to help stop thinking in that direction of late.

Maybe it’s because it is spring and thoughts… well – you know…

Or maybe, just maybe,  I am ready for love (queue India.Arie)…