I am on the subway, on my way to work, minding my own business when this happens:
I am reading my graphic novel when a masculine hand suddenly hovers into my view forcing me to look up. I know my resting bitch face was on in full force as I was at an interesting plot twist in the story and was not happy about the interruption.
Him: I just wanted to say “you’re beautiful” to my future ex-wife.
My exact initial thought: No, really? Not that there’s ever a good time for such bullshit, but really dude? First thing on a Monday morning? Get the fuck outta here!
I was considering whether I should pull a Luis Suarez (the biting soccer player from Uruguay), on the hand still hovering over my novel or only verbally chew out the idiot when I’m pretty sure my resting bitch face quickly morphed into my resting I’ll cut a bitch face as our eyes made contact and he just as quickly withdrew his hand and grinned. And just when I thought my already low opinion of him could not decrease more – it did. He had on grillz. Seriously, he was wearing grillz.
What. The. And. Bleeeeeep?
The amount of jewelry in his mouth could have fed a starving child in a third world country for a couple of months. Besides I thought that nonsense was finally out of style, having it was only adding to rapidly declining thoughts of him. Not knowing what I was dealing I opted for a third choice. – and please note the following exchange is happening on a crowded subway during morning rush hour.
Me (sounding official): Would you, whoever your are, take me, whoever I am, for your wife?
Him (confused, but playing along): I would.
Me: I now pronounce us, whatever and whatever. You may not kiss the whatever. I want a divorce!
Him (turns and walks toward the doors): Good, I’m out of here!
Me (snorts, neck rolls and snaps fingers): Poof baby! Don’t let the sliding doors hit ya where the good Lord split ya!
He exits the train at the next stop and I open my graphic novel.
Woman sitting next to me (chuckling): Damn! And I thought the Kim Kardashian marriage to that basketball player was short!
Me (deadpan): It was a good run while it lasted, but in the end it was like we didn’t even know each other any more.
It’s only Monday morning folks.