I’m in Starbucks waiting in line to order a chai latte. I happen to be standing by the fridge unit where the yogurt parfaits, salads, sandwiches et cetra are kept. The line, as usual, is long and formed a curve around. A guy opposite me on the curve politely says excuse me and ask to look at the items in the fridge. I’m in line, but I manage to step back a smidgen to give him a better view. When he leans over to visually scan the items and reaches out for something, the back of his hand accidentally brushing against my thigh lightly. He snatches his hand back apologizing profusely. It’s a small space between me, the person in line in front of me and he in between us, shit happens, I wave him off ignoring him.
Not surprisingly , there’s some sort of traffic jam at the cash registesr and the line doesn’t move for a good two minutes and “shit happens” again. He is on one knee as he picks up items and puts them back “deciding”. This is clearly not an accident. His friend who is still in queue at their original spot, looks at the idiot clearly surprised by his behavior. He glances at me, who is clearly about to catch a case on this mofo, and suddenly becomes interested in a spot on a wall far, far away. So it’s like that huh? No problem.
I look down at Tweedledumb “Honey, I know I smell good down there, but from that position you either need to get up out of my way, ask for my hand in marriage or commence cunnilingus immediately, your choice.”
He turns beet red, knocking over a basket with various coffees for sale in his haste to stand, much to the amusement of those who heard me, especially his friend who called him an ass and laughed in his face.
“You sure you don’t want to take me up on the last offer?” I ask as the line finally moves, sparking more snickering. He quickly shakes his head in the negative and finds that same far off spot his friend found earlier. Yes, I’m evil.
I place my order and the idiot and his friend wind up waiting together with others for our respective purchases. I have my earbuds on, but the music is playing low so I can hear when they call my name. I can also hear Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber speaking low off to the side. Apparently the hand brushes against me were accidental, but he wasn’t going to apologize again until he had stood up. And while I was being facetious when I said it to him, apparently I really did smell good to him while he was down there. He was trying to decide if it was me or the fruit in the fridge that he smelled when I busted him.
I did not hear the result of his ‘analysis’ as my name was called then, but me being me I just had to have one last word. Chai in hand I whispered as I passed him.
“Your loss, I taste *divine*!”
Repeat: Yes, I’m evil.