Does anyone remember good old-fashioned dating?
Okay, not quite as old-fashioned as the above picture would imply -lol; but seriously…
You know a date? Where two people who are stranger got together a neutral place, had these things called conversations and bit by bit got to know each other. If you liked what you were seeing/feeling there would be another date to find out more and so on. If not, after an awkward email/phone call or two, you’d part ways and try again with someone else at some point.
There was no presumption of sex after the third or fourth date; let alone the second or first. The last three dates I went on, it just felt like there was this undercurrent of “going through the motions”. As though the date was only being done as the necessary evil/precursor. And maybe it’s me, but I swear that presumption is worse, with online dates. On my last date from an online site, after an otherwise pleasant evening, when he realized a kiss on the cheek was seriously all he was getting, he was obviously not happy. When I questioned his views on the lead question posted here, he out-and-out asked, “Who the fuck does like that anymore?” Uh, I do.
Has the act of sharing the most intimate parts of one’s physical self become that incredibly depreciated in these past two decades since I was last an active member of the dating scene? Please note, I am not including one-night stands for the intent of fucking for the sake of fucking. Nor for that matter am I knocking those first dates that turn into something more. They are what they are and I have done both, wholeheartedly in the past year of my reemergence into the scene with no regrets what so ever. For all of my very open views on sex and relationships, my date still has to prove he is worthy of me as I would like to think I am proving worthy of him. One date, hell five dates, is not necessarily enough time to be proven of such.
I’m a member of various adult sites, and the assumption there is even worse. Just because as a fellow member of the site, it presumed I must be ready to “play” since we’ve exchanged a couple of emails now does not make it so. What looks good on pixel, doesn’t have shit to do with face-to-face. We may meet and decide there is no chemistry between us; then what? I am quadruple leery of anyone presenting offers to play without first wanting to meet someplace neutral to see if we even like each other first. I have pissed-off plenty of such suitors when their offers are flat-out rejected due to such.
I also know that the assumption of sex is not something exclusively related to “I’m a fat girl – I must be desperate – thus easy” realm, because I know more than enough of my slim sisters going through the same thing. I’ve had conversations with other dating friends male and female and sex after the third date (on average) is –well, a given.
So what’s a gal to do?
I sure don’t respect guys who do it on the first date, and they probably don’t respect you either if you’re not cool enough to them to wait. If a guy isn’t a scumbag he’ll wait, if he’s just looking to rack up the numbers, then he won’t.
You need to loosen up and not be so full of yourself. You think you are too good? is that what that is?
Okay J, and/or anyone else who shares his view, define “loosen-up” please. Exactly, what do YOU feel I should be more “loose” about?
Well, for one, the boundaries should be very well-defined. best example i can think of is if you let him know that you dont put out on the first date. Thats a perfectly fine, respectable thing. If he was disappointed after leaving, there might be the chance he thought that the acceptance of the lunch date was sufficient entree to you-know. Now, yes he would be wrong. My question would be if he had known! I do not know one way or the other, however that is the best way i could state the case that if he had any reasoon for thinking so, it can usually be solved by simple communication. if he is OK with it, then all is well. if not, then the blooming relationship may need to stop there, dependent on judgement and all those factors, if he cant be respectful at that time.
Hope ive clarified enough, this gives me more time to type. Have I made a good assertion?
Actually your assertion, in a way, proves my point.
How did our thought process change so much, that it is now the presumption, by many, that there may even a chance for sex on the first or whatever date? How has sex become so mainstream, that if the woman does not openly establish from the outset that nothing is going to happen, it is a subliminal permission that something will?
Ms. Ravienne, I would have to say, that we can “blame” MTV. All that is is really Porn – with clothes on! Sex has become the dominant force in the world, and im sorry to say that when most men see a sexy woman such as yourself, the imagination of what it would be like instantly comes to mind. Is there any going back from this? I think not.
Im 35 myself, so im not particularly of that ilk, but yeah, id agree with that.
I wonder if that is what they call the “Same page” lol. And “Subliminal permission” is sometimes “Given” in the mind of said person, just by being sexy.
Words are required, or else it is -presumed- valid. 🙂
“when most men see a sexy woman such as yourself, the imagination of what it would be like instantly comes to mind. Is there any going back from this? I think not.”
Thank you for the compliment, J. Let me extrapolate from the section quoted above:
So a male see a picture of a sexy woman, and yes, his imagination leads to all kinds of sex. He’s human, she’s sexy, I get that. So, he reaches out to her and he has gotten past the opening compliment and has received her thanks. Does that mean he now has permission to say/ask whatever sexual thing he wants, to a woman he doesn’t even know, simply based on the fact that she has one (or several), sexy pictures posted?
It is HER fault for the thoughts in his head and therefore she has to act on it?
“So a male see a picture of a sexy woman, and yes, his imagination leads to all kinds of sex. He’s human, she’s sexy, I get that. So, he reaches out to her and he has gotten past the opening compliment and has received her thanks.”
So far, so good. Please note that he has already imagined it. This is key.
“Does that mean he now has permission to say/ask whatever sexual thing he wants, to a woman he doesn’t even know, simply based on the fact that she has one (or several), sexy pictures posted?”
.. Unfortunately, if he is like most men, this exact statement would be true in that it is more than like to either obviously or not-so-obviously slip out.
“It is HER fault for the thoughts in his head and therefore she has to act on it?”
.. You wish the answer to be “No,” however I think just by the forces at work of Nature (opposites attract, put two negative ir positive poles, as on a magnet, together, and they repel) logic would mean the answer is not -as- “No” as you want it to be.
Its not completely “Yes,” Either, but i think we are both agreeing on where such thing would come from.
I still have to say the answer is “Words.” (No means no, etc.)
Sorry to hear this happened to you recently!
Ah, but my question, as originally queried, is not why the thoughts exist, but why those thoughts then evoke the EXPECTATION of sex from someone you don’t (or barely), know.
I see pictures of sexy men all the time and my imagination is vast as to what I would like to do. But even in that very active imagination of mine, it is always presumed that I have at least known him for a while first. I may want it, but I never have any expectation of sex on the first date. Or on the second or third or the fourth date for that matter.
Ahhhhh, I see. Well, that seems to be a matter of patience, then. Makes more sense, when you say it like that.
And if all else fails and he can not get the message.. Just say ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐ em. 🙂
WOW. The above commentary from “J” is un-freaking-believable. He’ll argue this up and down, but this is akin to “she deserved to be raped because she was wearing a sexy dress.”
Stupidest thing I have EVER heard. If a woman was obligated to fuck every man who found her attractive, those of us who many men find attractive would never do anything but fuck random men. The sense of entitlement disgusts me.
I have NEVER dated a man who would even think the things J has purported to say for ALL men, and I never would.