Just Stop It Already — Please?

“ is really missing being loved.”

The above has been my Facebook status since Saturday. Since Saturday. My status’ rarely have more than a 48 hour life span, so that alone was saying something to my state of mind. And I’ve been feeling this way for over a week now. I love my friends online and offline, and all their comments reminding me of how much I am loved by them, just make me want to cry even more in the frustration of it. As several noted in their Facebook comments, “it’s not the same” and that is the heartache.

I can’t even say it’s something as simple, but not quite so simple, as I’m missing my late-husband. That is something I can understand, compartmentalize, process and move on with quickly enough now. While he is a part of it, old boyfriends, whom I have not thought hide nor hair of in veritable ages, have also come to mind. It’s not that I’m not lonely, as the FB comments, emails and phone calls that came after that post attested to. Goodness knows my social calendar, even as pulled back as it is due to this economy, is still active. When in the hell did I have time for this annoyance to slip in? And it is an annoyance. It has beleaguered my soul to the point I wrote the following open letter on one of the boards I frequent:

Dear Heart,

More tears again? Seriously? SERIOUSLY?

Please, please, oh God PLEASE, stop hurting for what you simply cannot have right now. The One is out there, somewhere, we both know this logically. We just have to be patient, very fucking patient. I’ve been putting on the happy façade hoping this nonsense of yours will quickly blow past, but it’s been over a week! And this misery you’re putting me through over literally absolutely nothing right now feels like it’s getting worse and that is just bullshit!! Bullshit!!

I DEMAND you to cut it the fuck out right now so I can stop wanting to cry at the drop of a motherfucking hat and continue on with my life as normal. Well, as normal as my crazy ass life gets anyway.

The Tears That Do Not Want To Fall On My Pillow (Again)

Yes, it has been that bad. Writing the open letter made me realize, I’m not missing a person. I’m missing a feeling. A specific feeling and that has been the bitch of trying to fight it. As I said, it has been over a week now and it feels like this lingering melancholy is worsening, not getting better. So, I do what I always do when something plagues me incessantly, I write. I’m hoping that by completely acknowledging this, I can help to get it out of my system sooner.

So, I’ve written it and acknowledged it, now please, please for goodness sakes please BE GONE!

5 thoughts on “Just Stop It Already — Please?

  1. Rai,

    I feel for you, as there is not one of us who hasn’t had to deal with this sort of feeling at one time or another. Know, however, they it WILL pass. Everything DOES pass sooner or later. You ARE loved.


  2. Hmmm, Sorry to hear that. Sucks not being able to just brush off a certain feeling or emotion at the snap of a finger. To have it linger for a week is just cruel. Hang in there lady, if your like me, then I know you’ll get through this.

  3. I can’t say I’ve been there, but I have been in a position of long-term longing, though mine was for a feeling I ad never had. So, to the extent I can, I empathize with you. To the extent I cannot, I’m there for you if I can help in some way. I hope you identifying and exposing the source will bring some relief.

  4. I was reading through a few of your posts thinking how beautifully and intelligently you write and then I came to this. I know its not a more recent post but it still made me want to be able to climb into bed with you and hold eachother so our tears could fall on the pillow together.

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