Think about this for a moment: Yes, we all know what we look like smiling and laughing, there are pictures galore of such, especially in this modern age of cell phones capturing our lives in vivid pixelation. We see ourselves disappointed, sad, depressed and even crying because we lock ourselves away for a private moment in our bedrooms / bathrooms and a mirror shows us our hurt. We may even see ourselves in various states of tumescence.
However, we almost never see ourselves truly scared or really angry or outright furious because we are generally facing that which has made us truly scared or really angry or outright furious and rarely is a camera there to capture the moment. If you’re about to go postal do you think anyone would want to flash a camera directly in front of you? Don’t think so. Yes, we can imagine what we may look like from what we’re told after the fact. However, when such strong emotions occur we are rarely in front of a mirror and by the time we reach one, we are no longer at the height of that emotion to really know.
Except I now know what that type of fury looks like for myself…
Today started as your normal Tuesday morning. I was up, my bed made; I was showered and dressed for work. I made a quick call to a friend to confirm a detail on plans for later this week. As usual between her and me it was not quite the quick call expected.
Our conversation meandered and somehow touched on an erstwhile family member I had not laid eyes on since 1991. Let me just say, point-blank, it was under very bad circumstances when we parted ways. If I never lay eyes on that person again, it is because even the deities know it would not be good thing, especially after this morning.
So I had her on speaker phone as I stood in the mirror applying make-up. I was looking at my eyes, giving them a final check before I close the eye shadow case, when she dropped the following what if on me:
“Yes, but he doesn’t know where you work. What if your boss called you into his office one day and he was sitting there a new employee?”
Only because I was looking dead into my own eyes at that exact moment did I see it. I felt my whole being react to the thought of the scenario proposed and in a split second went from apathetic to apoplectic before my very eyes.
My pupils dilated fully and something in them… around them… behind them…
…And scared the shit out of me.
I scared myself so badly that the eye shadow case slipped from my fingers as I took a step back.
The sound of the crash as today’s colors hit the floor and flung out in all directions, along with my friend wanting to know was that noise, snapped me back to reality.
There was so much strength, so much power, so much rage in that one glance of myself, I shudder now as I type this thinking of it.
What there was not, was absolution. None. Whatsoever.
But what frightened me the most of the experience was the fact that my reaction was from a mere hypothetical “what if…?”
How much worse would the reality be should the deities change their minds and let it occur?
I have actually seen the evil within me start to emerge.
And now I wish I could go back to when the only thing I could do was imagine it…