And Back On The Horse…?

Okay.

I’m a forty-seven year old widow of five years. I took time to mourn, then I took time to ingloriously fuck. I’ve now cut myself off from all of my “friends with benefits” because. Well, because I don’t see the benefit in it anymore. Until last month, in a moment that will be chalked up to the ah, ah-ah-ah, ah-alcohol (gee thanks Jaime Foxx-NOT!), I’ve been celibate by choice.

I’m looking in the mirror, frustrated, but at least no longer regretting my actions. No, regret is not quite the right word. I do not regret anything that I have done sexually. I’m tired of feeling that something so completely missing once the moaning is done. I know something’s missing, but I can no longer reconcile filling the physical need without somehow figuring out how to fill the emotional one. So I rather just leave it, and them, totally alone. I realize, I’m likely setting myself up for another ah, ah-ah-ah, ah-alcohol moment some time from now, if nothing good happens, but to get a new FWB? No, something in me simply cannot do that any more.

I’m tired of not being satisfied, emotionally. I’m tired of lying that all I wanted was a fuck buddy. The whole thing with NH was ridiculous. Have to break-up with BX was simply too easy for me and too hard for him. He’s a nice guy and all, but I did not and know I will not love him. I couldn’t let it keep going – it only would have gotten worse if I let it drag out. Having now lived on both sides of Unrequited Love Street, I can tell you it really, really sucks either way.

I do not want to be alone anymore. NH (primo conceited ass that he was) did prove the point. I enjoyed him, but yeah – no, the one-on-one of being with that someone special, just wasn’t there and the lack of such hits home. I want to be loved. There! You hear that Universe? I’ve said it.

So… What now?

4 thoughts on “And Back On The Horse…?

  1. I reached the same epiphany about 10 years ago. I wanted a relationship, goddammit, and I wasn’t going to be happy until I got one.

    So I did, and then another, and another, and then another………….and honestly, none of them ever proved fruitful for me. I had my second epiphany when I realized that I was accepting less than I deserved in a relationship because I wanted one so bad.

    After my marriage breakup, and before Lissa, I was in a relationship that bordered on demeaning for me, and while I had my own issues at the time (and probably should have given myself more time to “heal”), I continued on, simply because it was better than nothing, or so I thought. As a result, that relationship caused more emotional damage than ending my marriage did.

    I was fortunate to find Liss, as she was basically in the same boat as I was. We’re both learning that slow can be good, and that the euphoria of the honeymoon part of relationships can dwindle quickly, and that working at going beyond the honeymoon state is what makes relationships last longer than most, who never get beyond 2-3 months.

    Stay the course……….

    • Ah yes. It was an interesting road to get there, but I have definitely reached that second epiphany level.

      Hope springs eternal, crossing my fingers, wishing on a star and all that jazz… 🙂

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